Page 78 of When I Picture You
“It would be. But it would be honest, too.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about people watching me struggle.”
“Even if it’s a struggle youwin?” Renee said.
Lola pressed her lips together. She was proud of having dragged herself back from the brink, and of the music she was making. But what Renee seemed to have forgotten, which Lola never could, was that this story was inextricably tied up with her sexuality. Ava and the heartbreak, the shelved album, then Renee and the future.
She said, gently, “I don’t think you can tell that story without explaining why I had writer’s block in the first place.”
“Oh, right.” Deflated, Renee fell back against the couch, that grim look returning to her face. “That’s okay—really, it is. I’ll come up with something.”
Lola’s face fell too. Compared to Renee’s idea, the current concept for the film felt even duller and emptier than it already had. All those weeks ago, Renee had offered her the opportunity to say something with this film. It had scared Lola then. It still did, but this time, the lurch of fear was the kind she felt when she’d just started working on an ambitious new song.
“God, I wish we could do it though,” Lola said with sudden passion. “You’re right, it would make a phenomenal film. We could express what songwriting really means to me and show people who I am now. It’s just—” Lola balled up her hands and pressed them to her eyes. “If only I’d come out already. If I’d gone through with it after Ava left me. It feels like there’s never going to be the perfect time to do it, and I’m so sick of worrying about it.”
Renee eased Lola’s hands away from her face and held them.
“What if this is the time?” Renee said. “Why not tell that part of the story, too?”
Lola blew out a breath. “To even have a conversation about it, we’d have to go through fifteen meetings. It’s a massive operation. We’ll probably have turned the film in to Streamy before everything’s ready.”
“Dude, I know the parade planners can be a handful. When I came out, I had the local news, a marching band, and a chili cook-off. It was a lot to coordinate, and I was only a fifteen-year-old in Fellows.” Lola smiled at the sarcasm as Renee slid an arm around her and pulled her into her chest. “The perfect time to come out is when you’re ready. That’s it.”
“Iamout, to everyone that matters,” Lola said, looking up at her.
“Maybe everyone who matters is more people than you think. Youtold me you were on the brink of giving up songwriting, the thing you care the most about in the world. What are you going to do when this album comes out? Are you going to tell the world that it’s about Nash? What happens when Gloriana sets you up with your next boyfriend?”
Bile rose in Lola’s throat, but she swallowed it down and said, “In this industry, you have to make compromises.”
“In a compromise, both sides give something up. Do you want to come out, Lo?”
“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “I’ve wanted to for years. It just feels impossible.”
“I promise it’s not. I’ll be right there beside you. We have the film and the album. What do you say?”
Lola’s mind raced, cycling through the catalog of anxieties she’d been maintaining for years. But then she looked at Renee, hardly breathing as she waited for Lola’s answer. Renee, who was solid, who stood up for her. Who imagined a future that Lola couldn’t believe in on her own.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Elation broke over Renee’s face. “Seriously? You’re being serious?”
“Yes, I’m being serious,” Lola said, laughing. “You’re right. This is what I need.”
Renee pulled Lola close for a long kiss. “This is going to beamazing,” she mumbled against her mouth.
Lola pulled back. “I just need to tell Gloriana.”
“Tellingher, not asking her, right?”
“Right.”
Lola and Nash are over???
