Page 98 of When I Picture You
Eventually, the editor whom Renee had been chatting with stepped away and she had a moment alone to refocus. She should have been feeling good. Shewantedto be feeling good. She’d been celebrated, bragged about, introduced to the most prestigious friends of the institute. Instead, her stomach was sickly clenched, and it wasn’t from Dragan’s rakija. Everyone seemed to be expecting her work to be great—forReneeto be great. But the truth was, Renee didn’t really have a film yet.
Everything was riding on Lola.
“Renee? Hi!”
Renee turned to see two members of her old cohort, Meredith Shay and Steven Lombardi. They awkwardly hugged hello. They’dgraduated the previous May. Renee hadn’t spoken to either of them in a year and a half.
“We were so happy to hear you were back in the program,” Steven said.
Before Renee’s surprise at that could fully sink in—neither of them had been big Renee Feldman fans—Meredith said, “Tell us about this huge thesis project you’re working on. Some celebrity documentary?”
Renee steadied herself. Yes, these people had eviscerated her work before, but maybe that was water under the bridge.
“It’s a documentary about the singer Lola Gray, as she records her next album,” Renee said. The phrase was now well-rehearsed.
“Wow, that’shuge,” Meredith said, then chased her words with a sip of her martini. “How did you even get in the room for a job like that?”
“Good luck, mainly,” Renee said with a self-deprecating laugh. “Lola and I grew up together.”
Meredith and Steven exchanged a look clearly signaling that furious activity in the cohort group text was in the near future. Already, Renee could practically hear them bitching about her unearned opportunity while wishing they had the same connections.
“I can’t wait to see what you do,” Meredith said. “It’s always sointerestingwhen one of these big celebs tries to show some depth.”
Renee bristled, thinking back to the dinner with Lola’s friends. All of those women had plenty of depth. But she didn’t snap at Meredith. Instead, she summoned some of Lola’s poise. “Exactly. It’s so challenging for women in the public eye. Their stories get misrepresented all the time. Lola wants to take back the narrative.”
“I thought Lola Gray wrote all her own songs,” Steven countered. “Who’s she taking the narrative back from?”
“You’ll see in the film,” Renee said evenly. “Even famous womenare embedded in power dynamics. Just because you don’t understand them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Meredith finished off her martini. “I’m glad we’re finally getting a film explaining how hot, cis, straight white girls are the true victims of a system that celebrates hot, cis, straight white girls, because you’re right, Idon’tunderstand it.”
“Oh my god, stop!” Steven swatted Meredith on the shoulder. “We’re all dying to see what you do, Renee. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, right?”
“Right.” Renee swallowed hard.
“It could totally make your career.”
“I know.”
“And I thoughtmythesis was stressful! But, like, no pressure!”
Steven and Meredith laughed. Once, their needling would have sent Renee directly into an anxiety spiral. Even now, she felt the rattle starting in her chest. But she willed herself above it and thought of Lola, her story and her faith in Renee. Steven and Meredith were jealous, and that wasn’t Renee’s problem. After all, it would only get worse once they saw her work.
“It’s been great catching up,” Renee said. “But I have another engagement to get to.”
26
Lola waited for Chloe in a private booth at the back of a trendy Italian restaurant. Her phone vibrated.
I can’t believe you did this! And a tailor too?
You like it?
It’s perfect. I’m in love.
Lola felt all her blood rush to her head.
I’ll send you a pic as soon as I have it on.
