Page 43 of Tower
“Of you.” His beard is rumpled, and his expression is anxious. Dead sober. “At the beginning. Did I… take advantage of you. Of your… desperation.”
My heart thuds and then sinks. My face and fingers and toes grow cold. “No! Of course not. It was my decision. My choice.”
“I know that. I keep tryin’ to tell myself that. But I still…” His voice breaks, so he has to clear his throat. “I’ve been no good most of my life. But I keep thinkin’ I shoulda been a better man. I keep wantin’ to be a better man… for you.”
The shift in mood is sudden and disorienting. I want to brush it away. Hide from it. It’s too heavy. Too raw. But Levi is completely earnest right now, and he’s taking a real risk. So it would be wrong for me not to answer it.
I swallow. Think. Swallow again because my throat feels swollen. Finally ask, “Why do you think I chose you, Levi?”
“Don’t fuckin’ know, if you wanna know the truth. I used to watch you. Up in your window when your daddy was still alive. You were so goddamn beautiful. And… and above everyone. Above me. Like an angel or a goddess. Nearly jumped outta my skin when you appeared right there in front of me by the river. Had no idea why you chose me then and still don’t know today.”
“Okay.” I’m so touched by the rough words I’m tempted to hug him, but he wants to have this conversation so I focus. “I’ll tell you why. I chose you because I somehow knew you wouldn’t force me. Call it instinct or intuition or whatever, but I knew. With the Mayor or the Nelson boy, I couldn’t imagine having the freedom to tell them no. But with you, I knew I could.”
“Did you know that?” He’s suddenly urgent. He lifts a hand to cup one of my cheeks. “How did you know?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure. Partly because of what Dad told me about you. How you wouldn’t let your guys rape or abuse. How you stopped your own people from coming after me. But it’s also from what I saw in you when I sometimes watched you by the river in the mornings.”
He blinks. “I didn’t know you watched me.”
“I know you didn’t know. But I did. I wasn’t gawking or leering at you. Just watching. And I could see how tired you were. How hard it was for you to get through every day in this world. The bad people… they’re not tired. They’re excited. They’re thrilled. They’re in their element. They can take what they want when they want it without any consequences. They love this new world. It’s the good people who are as exhausted as you.”
His lips part, and his eyes shift as he reflects on what I’ve said. Then he inclines his head in a slight nod. “So you… you weren’t fuckin’ me ’cause you felt forced?”
“No. Never. I did want to make you happy, and I did want to fulfill my responsibilities in this relationship, but I always knew I had an out with you.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure.” I pause. “That’s the only reason I’m so happy right now. Would you… I mean, think it through yourself. Would you have kicked me out if I refused to fuck you that first night and kept refusing all these months.”
“No!” The word bursts out like he’s offended. “Course I wouldn’t’ve done that.” His eyes are still sincere, but his mouth quirks irrepressibly. “Mighta moved you to a different room. Otherwise would’ve died of a heart attack from the world’s most eternal hard-on for you.”
Giggling helplessly, I now lean over to give him a soft hug.
“See? That’s what I knew. That’s why I picked you. I’m happy now, and you’re happy, and sure it was kind of weird and… and transactional at first, but I chose you. And I’m still choosing you. I’ll always,alwayschoose you!”
His face twists again and he pulls me on top of him. Draws my face down into a hard, hungry kiss.
I respond with all my heart, but it doesn’t last as long as I want.
Levi gently lifts my head so he can meet my eyes. “Okay. I believe you. I just wanna… I wanna always do right by you. I wanna be a… good man. For you.”
“You are.” I press a soft kiss against his mouth. “I promise you are.”
“Okay.”
He pulls me down again, this time holding me in gentle embrace. I snuggle into his big, familiar body and let myself relax.
We had the talk. And it went fine.
He wants me as much as I want him. He cares about me as much as I care about him. That much is obvious. Everything else can be sorted out through time.
We lay twined together for several minutes. I nuzzle his neck and chest, and he strokes my hair, my bottom, the back of my thighs. It’s intimate rather than sexual. I love it.
“What kind of run do you need to make today?” I finally ask, since the sun will be up soon and our day will begin.
He groans and stretches beneath me. “I gotta take a few guys north to scope things out. Those assholes up that way keep causin’ more trouble. Gotta tighten our defenses. Not sure what the hell they’re up to, but don’t want no war we’re too clueless to see comin’.”
“Definitely not.” That other gang has been poking at boundaries since I first moved in with Levi. “Are you really worried?”
