Page 20 of Tower
I hibernate for ten days.
For the first week, I simply can’t bring myself to do anything except cry and sleep and force down the bare minimum of food. Levi is as good as his word. He leaves me alone and only comes into the room at night to sleep. I’m sure he’s checking to make sure I’m eating, but he doesn’t ever ask me about it or imply it’s time for me to get moving again.
On the third night, I start feeling guilty, so I take my clothes off and tell him we can have sex if he wants. The offer pisses him off. I can see it although all he says is “What the hell, girl? Put your clothes back on.”
I don’t offer again after that. I’m sure I could manage sex, but I don’t want him to act offended and disappointed in me again.
On the eighth day, I wake up early, and for the first time I’m aware of a kind of restlessness. Almost boredom. Like I really want to get out of this bed. Out of this room.
I open my eyes and realize that Levi has switched on the lantern and is sitting on his side of the bed. His head is turned in my direction. He’s been looking at me.
When our eyes meet, he asks, “You wanna come to the river with me this morning?”
It’s the first time he’s ever invited me. My first instinct is to accept, but then I’m hit with a heavy weight of… everything. Paired with humiliation over the way I’ve completely fallen apart.
I thought I was stronger than this, but I’m not.
I shake my head since my voice isn’t working.
“Okay.”
That’s all he says. He pulls his clothes on, gathers his stuff, and is out the door.
Maybe it’s guilt over disappointing Levi. Or maybe I’ve finally had enough time to feel everything I feel. But I don’t sleep most of the day like I’ve been doing. I read a little. Straighten the room up because it’s gotten cluttered and depressing in the past week. Rearrange the crystal butterflies so they better catch the light from the window. And I even get the brainstorm to do a thirty-minute yoga routine after pushing an armchair out of the way to make enough floor space.
That evening, I tell Levi I want to have sex. He’s waited more than a week without a word of complaint, but I’m playing a risky game here since he can get rid of me anytime he decides I’m not worth the trouble.
He must see something different in me than last week because, after peering at me for a minute, he agrees. We have some basic sex with him sitting on his legs between my thighs and lifting my bottom off the bed. I don’t come, and he doesn’t last very long, but I’m relieved afterward because we did it and it wasn’t bad at all.
The next morning, I’m prepared to say yes if Levi asks me to go to the river, but he doesn’t ask.
So I do yoga instead. Then I go downstairs to go to the bathroom and wash up like normal. Instead of the quick, half-hearted scrub I’ve been rushing through so I can get back up the room, I take my time and really make sure I’m clean. I even wash my hair.
I feel a lot better when I return to the room. I think about going to breakfast, but the truth is I’m embarrassed by the wholething and don’t want to face anyone yet. I read instead. Take a nap in the afternoon and do yoga again.
Levi catches me before I’m done. When I open the door for him, he asks what I’ve been doing, and since the chair is moved and my mat, brick, and strap are on the floor, I have to tell him. He nods without comment and sits down in his favorite armchair like he used to in the afternoons.
It’s clear he wouldn’t mind if I finished my yoga routine, but I’m not going to do it in front of him. So I move my stuff, return the chair to its normal spot, and then kneel down to give him a foot rub.
He doesn’t object. He looks relieved, and then he falls asleep until I wake him at dinner time.
The next morning, I wake up when Levi does. As he’s pulling on his jeans, I sit up in bed. “Would it be all right if…” I trail off, suddenly nervous.
He waits. Then, “If what? You wanna come to the river?”
I would like to come to the river with him but not unless he wants me to. And that wasn’t what I was going to ask. “No, I wanted to see if it would be all right if I’m outside on my own at this time of the morning. I prefer to do yoga outside if I can. I can find a place around back where I wouldn’t be in anyone’s way. I don’t want to do it later in the day because there will be so many people around peering at me.”
“Oh. Yeah, sure. Get ready, and I’ll get you set up.”
I don’t know exactly what this means, but I do as he says, jumping out of bed and pulling on leggings and a long T-shirt with a pair of rubber slides. Levi takes my mat and brick from me, so I braid my hair as we walk downstairs. He leadsme around to an open area between the woman’s tent and the scraggly trees that surround the property.
He calls out to the older guy they all call Hawk who’s lounging in a lawn chair in the courtyard, smoking a pipe. He’s a relaxed man who’s always struck me as genuinely warm and never made me uncomfortable.
“Bring your chair over,” Levi tells Hawk. “Make sure no one bothers her and no one stands around gawkin’ at her. Anything happens to her, you’ll answer to me.”
“Sure thing, Boss,” Hawk says, dragging his chair closer and pulling a pistol out of his belt holster. “Glad to see you out and about again, princess.”
I smile at him. He’s being nice, and I appreciate it. When I turn back toward Levi, I catch the oddest expression on his face.
