Page 42 of Tower
He feels open right now. He doesn’t have on the grumpy quills he wears like armor against vulnerability. And after last night, I’m not sure how I could genuinely believe he’s not feeling things for me he hasn’t yet put directly into the traditional words.
It’s fine. It’s all good. I’m happy. I know what I know, and I feel what I feel. I’m secure.
But still…
I do want him to say it.
And I want him to say it of his own volition and not because I cornered him into it.
We haven’t really been together for that long. Just a few months. But it’s not like in the old world where people sometimes took years to decide what they wanted out of a relationship. We have no leisure for that kind of indecision here. And the relationship Levi and I have built in these months isdeeper and realer and more significant than the two years I spent with my college boyfriend.
I’m not deluding myself.
I can’t be.
He draws me into another kiss, this one still light but slower. Lingering. “You know perfectly well you’re my only sweetheart.” He murmurs the words against my mouth.
“Okay. Good.” With a little huff, I pull away and curl up under his arm again. “Just making sure.”
I’m a little disappointed but not very. What he’s said still makes my heart sing, and it’s selfish to want him to be anything other than who he is.
“You poutin’?” he asks gruffly after a minute.
It’s unnerving that he can read me so well. “Of course not! Why would I be pouting?”
“I dunno. Just felt like you were. You’re happy, aren’t you? With me, I mean. You regrettin’ things?”
“No! Of course I’m happy.” Worried he’s actually questioning my feelings, I forget my twinge of disappointment and prop myself up on his chest, meeting his eyes in the mostly dark room. “I made the best decision of my life that night after my dad died. I was in such a flurry it’s amazing I was even thinking clearly, but I was. I’ve never had a single regret. There’s no one else I would have wanted for my man. No one else who could have taken care of me and protected me the way you do. No one else I could share myself with this way. No one else I would ever have wanted in my bed and in my life and for my future. No one else, Levi. I won the lottery with you.”
He stares at me for a long time, looking awed and frozen and stunned at the exact same time. His mouth is slightly open, and his beard is rumpled.
He’s heard me. He’s understood me. He knows not just what I’ve said but the feelings underlying the words.
Heknows.
I can see it on his face.
And I can also see the answering emotions—the trust, the commitment, the affection, the devotion, the words I wanted to hear earlier—all right there on his face.
But then it breaks.
It cracks.
He jerks his head to the side and mutters, “Dammit.”
Confused more than upset, I reach to turn his face back toward me. “Whydammit?”
He breathes heavily for a minute as he stares up at me with his head on his pillow. Then he finally says gruffly, “Let me ask you a question.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t take it bad.”
With a frown, I rearrange on my side to prop my head on my hand beside him. “I’ll try not to. What’s the question.”
“Do you think… Did I take advantage?”
“Did you take advantage of what?”
