Page 1 of Unexpected Pickle
1
HEX, THE MAN MEAT
“Make those man-titties pop,” the director says, squeezing his wiry arms together as if he could make his narrow chest in a black turtleneck provide an example of what he wants.
I sigh. Objectification. I get it now. I will never compliment a woman on anything but her sparkling wit and confidence ever again.
But today, this is my job.
Male beefcake.
I turn from the line of searing lights, the crew, and the director, concentrating for a moment on the set in front of me. A long counter is covered with a colorful spread of fruits and vegetables.
Time to get this done. I draw my biceps in toward my chest—no easy feat since my elbows haven’t connected with my waist for years. My chest pops.
“That’s it!” the man calls. “I want nipple! More nipple!”
I glance down at the thin white tank that barely functions as clothing. I’ve seen tissue paper with better coverage.
Yup. All those years of ogling theSports IllustratedSwimsuit Issue are coming home to roost. Now I’m the show.
But I’m here to prove what can allegedly be done with proper nutrition and a robust meal plan.
Right.Like I haven’t done brutal workouts and excruciating diet regimens for years. Cucumber ain’t gonna cut it, but critiquing the company I’m representing in this commercial isn’t my job.
“Stick that chest out!” the director says. I can’t remember his name.Avon, Arid, something like that. All I remember is that his name starts with an A.
I cut my eyes to the right, beyond the cameras to my best bud Max Pickle, who watches with amusement. “Nipples,” he mouths, tweaking his through his T-shirt.
I’d throw something at him if the colorful bounty in front of me wasn’t prepped by the very reason I agreed to this ridiculous assignment.
No way am I going to mess up her perfect trays of food.
“Don’t look over there,” the director says.
What was his name?Aglet?
He’s frowning at me. “Get your eyes back on the camera. Place that apple inside your elbow. Can you squash it? Now that would be something.”
“Squash it!” Jeannie’s irritated voice cuts through the whir of the fans keeping the lights cool. “That is the most perfect specimen of a Red Delicious in Greater Los Angeles, and you want him to squash it?”
“Get her off the set,” ordersAhab, Avant, whatever his name is, his mouth in a line.
Anger rushes at me like a tidal wave. “If she goes, I go.”
Jeannie’s head snaps up from the cooler where she waits with replacement food. Her eyes flash and I can’t help feeling a little turned on.
But man, she is mad. “I don’t need a hero. I just need my hard work not to get squished by your man meat!”
This sets off a round of titters. I have to work hard not to crack a smile with the others. Getting close to Jeannie was my sole motivation for doing this commercial, and I will not be the one to upset her. Not by squashing her apple, or messing up her food, or laughing when I shouldn’t.
I’m focused.
Doing this gig was Max’s idea. Pickle Media got the contract to promoteEat Play Win, a new health website launching with splashy ads all over the Internet and TV.
Jeannie is Max’s head chef, and an absolute tyrant when it comes to perfection in their food. Her work has been in tons of magazines and ads before.
She throws me out of the kitchen any time I visit, citing my “man germs” and “sweaty athletic presence” no matter how well I clean up before I come.
