Page 92 of Secrets That Bind Us
My name echoes off every pew, bouncing off the walls and landing in my ears like a buzz.
I look up at the ceiling, the fans that have been turned off due to it no longer being summer and then flick my gaze at the man that allowed me and my mother to suffer. Who preached and preached andpreachedevery fucking Sunday about love and kindness and sins and immorality. The kind that made you feel bad for loving the right person and acting upon it outside of marriage. I remember how many times I felt right loving Dean and yet felt immoral for having sex with him when nothing about Dean was sinful. Well, except his mouth. But our love has always been pure.
“Reverend Bishop.”
“You came.” he says, surprise all over his face.
I look down at my shaking hands and then back up at my biological father. “There were so many times when I was in New York, when I held my child to my chest as she nursed, that I couldn't imagineeverbeing away from her. Couldn’t imagine not ever being in her life.”
“Verity-”
“‘Psalm 127:3–5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.Blessedis the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame.’” I quote, as the words gently echo back to me like small needles. I grab at my earlobe, then bite my lip. “Years,” I begin again before he has a chance to say any type of thing that will deter me from saying what I need to. “Foryears,Mama and I tried to get out of this place. In the end, it was me that got out alive. Which is fine. Seems she found the love and support she was looking for once I left.” I dip my chin once. “And I am so happy she was surrounded by people that loved her while she kept me away.”
“Oh, Verity…” he frowns.
“Years of watching her deteriorate from the inside out– growing cold and withering before my very eyes. Having to pick her up off the floor, clean blood off her face, fixing her and patching her up. Where were you? Behind that podium. What a beautiful facade, preacher man.” I clap my handsand the echoes strike back. “A round of applause for the performance of a lifetime.”
He shakes his head at me, slowly walking down the steps until he’s in front of me. “Who do you think gave her the money so she could run?”
I blink.
He shakes his head as he takes a seat on the pew in front of me. “Did you know Richard Huntington and I were rivals in our teens?”
I feel my eyes narrow and my jaw clench.
“I had nothing to offer your mother when I asked your grandfather for her hand. Nothing. Only the shirt off my back. But Richard… well, he knew that farm like the backandthe palm of his hand, having worked for your grandfather.” He looks away wistfully. “I left Adelaide, for a little while, to study. Did missionary work abroad. I did everything I could to forget your mother. But nothing worked. When I came back to town with a ring worthy of her… well… she was already married. And Richard was an alright husband… at the time. Or so I thought. I had to watch her come into this very church on his arm and treat her as one of my flock. For almost twenty years.”
He blinks rapidly. “The night she came to me; she was seeking refuge from a storm. The worst storm this town had seen in maybe two decades. The entire town was a mess. Trees and debris all over the roads. We were trapped in here for two days with nothing but Sunday school snacks to nibble on. But it was the best two days of my life. Our love resulted in you.
“Verity, I loved your mother as fiercely as I could from afar. And when she showed signs of her pregnancy, I did my best to begin the process of getting her out. I knew I would be shamed and judged, but it didn’t matter to me. I knew the kind of man Richard was, saw the darkness in him one too many times as youngsters. My priority was your mother. I loved you before I ever met you. I loved you when you were in her womb, Verity. And for that I will never be ashamed. No force on earth could ever make me regret loving your mother… or you.”
He inhales deeply. “You were two the first time we had gathered enough money for her not to just leave, but to purchase our own home in Georgia. He found out. And held you hostage in the basement. For three days. The second time she tried to run, you were eight. It was the first time he knocked her out cold. He threatened me with your life. So I waited in the shadows. Loved you both from afar. Because it was safer that way. Then we tried one last time when you were twelve.”
He doesn’t have to tell me what happened then, because I saw it with my own eyes. The way Richard Huntington dragged my mother by the hair, and shoved a gun in my face, threateningmewith her life. “But why didn’t youtell me? The entire town already knew I-” I shut my fucking mouth. I did the same goddamn thing to my own daughter. History is just repeating itself– but it seems that’s how small towns work. I shake my head but the guilt remains.
“Don’t you think I wanted to? I treasured every moment we had. As bleak as that is, sweet girl. I think at some point I had hoped you’d come and confront me about the rumors yourself so I could tell you, yes. That I am your father and that I love you with every beat of my heart as a father should. I have watched every single one of your accomplishments from afar, and Verity– even when you thought you were failing, I knew He would never put you through an obstacle you could not overcome. And if you failed, I prayed you would come home so you could see your mother happy for once in that house.”
“Why didn’t you come find me?” I ask, voice breaking, but I have no tears for him.For the first time, I think they’re for me.
“So many times I found myself at one of your book signings, watching you, wanting to tell you, the words on the tip of my tongue… but what would it have done? I’d only make your world crash and tumble. I will admit I was a coward in that regard.”
My anger flares. “I wasalone! I was barely eighteen-years-old, alone in a city far larger and greater and scarier than this one with a baby in my belly!” I scream out, heat flooding my face in my outburst. “I married a man whose cruelty was not his fists, but his silence…until the end. I had a mother who chose not to speak to me, as if a child simply stops needing their mother at age eighteen. I had children who were too young to possibly understand what Mommy could be going through, and I wasalonein a marriage. And I navigated it all alone because I could not call my mother. I had no father because he disappeared. No siblings. My best friend wasthousandsof miles away, and the man I married chosesilence. Chose topunishme with silence, even though his actions were loud, and humiliating. And all I did; all I was able to do – was sit with the echoes of my past replaying in my mind like a goddamn broken record– excuse my French– trying to push forward with ababylatched onto my breast or high on my hip. When all I wanted, all Ineeded…was a pat on the shoulder to tell me I was going to be okay. And I didn’t get that.
“All of my life I got everyone else’s broken mirror reflections andpity.” I shudder at the weight chipping and falling off my shoulders. “So if you somehow think staying away and not making my worldcrash downaround me was a better alternative– you werewrong,Reverend. Iknowhow to nurse heartache. I’ve been nursing it for the lastthirteenyears.” My voice breaks. But still. No tears.
The sorrow on his face mirrors my heart. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to abide by your mother’s wishes, that you come to me-”
“Keeping your promises to dead people is what hurts the living ones,Reverend.” I stand abruptly and take a step out onto the aisle, staring down at him.
He rises to his feet, and I almost shrink back at how tall he is. It isn’t imposing. It doesn’t make me feel strange. I just don’t like it. “Verity-”
“I need time.” I interrupt him quickly. “I know I’ve been here for months. I know you were waiting on me but goddamnit. A cup of coffee to welcome me home? Coming to bless the house? You had so many openings. All of them could have been disguised as a way to somehow ease your way into saying, ‘All the rumors were true. I’m your Daddy.’” I scoff in a Southern drawl.
“You’re right.”
My hands come up quickly, drop, then I put them on my hips. “I know I am!” God, that doesn’t make me feel better. So I hang my head and sigh, letting a few heartbeats pass then slowly lift my head to look upon him. “Zoey gets married on the property in six weeks. I wanted to do this now so there wasn’t any awkwardness during.”
He stays quiet.
