Page 25 of Secrets That Bind Us
Age Seventeen
Meeting Jacob Miller at camp in New York was a fucking whirlwind of astronomical proportions.
We bumped into each other during the first camp trip to Salem. Those downturned brown eyes took one look at me and, for some reason, decidedIwas his new best friend for the summer. While waiting in line for coffee at a Starbucks, I found out he lived just two towns over from Adelaide and was there for the art program (he wanted to be an anime manga illustrator). He was the only openly bi-sexual guy I knew. Over time, I learned that he leaned more toward men than women, and that he loved himself.Completely.
Jacob Miller was a breath of fresh air I desperately needed and it seemed like I was his, too.
So every camp trip, we were trip buddies. For every open weekend, he took me with.
New York absolutely suited Jacob– his lifestyle, his image, his tenacity– and I was absolutely jealous. Not in a green-eyed monster kind of way. Just in the kind of way where I wanted it for myself, too. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to stop being so afraid of everything new. For this constant growling pit in my stomach to cease at the thought of going after something I wanted. And Jacob Miller seemed to see that in me.
“Once you master the subway system, you’ve conquered New York.” He had laughed; with his bedazzling smile and this devil-may-care aloofness I had never seen. Because back in Adelaide, where everyone stuck their noses up and hid their secrets behind pristine lawns and white picket fences, imagewaseverything. You could speculate all you wanted, but nobody was willing to come out of the closet in a town of only seven hundred people with fourteen different churches.
I never understood why someone’s sexuality was such a big deal. I think hiding it probably hurts more than being open about it. Two years ago, a county judge had to step down after he was outed by a scorned lover. It hurt his kids and his wife. He committed suicide soon after. It was really sad. I think if I ever have a kid, and they come out to me, I’d hug them a little harder. I think I'd rather have a gay kid than have to bury one, if I’m honest.
One open weekend, Jacob took me to a hair stylist to get my hair layered. For another, he took me shopping after he asked me why I wore ‘all that stuff,’ pointing to my jeans and hoodie. When I told him I wore ‘this stuff’ to hide my fatness, he laughed and asked, “What fatness?”
I didn’t know the answer.
I just knew I had chubby arms, big hips and softball player thighs. Jake said that’s a good thing. That they’re strong. Good for running and to land a heavy kick if I ever need to.
So Jake made me do a little fashion show for him, and it made me feel like I was in a teen movie montage. Except for the sweating. Fitting rooms are a personal hell. Afterward, he looked me up and down and said, “If I had your face and your body, I would be such a slut. Well, abiggerslut.” He winked. Jacob Miller was a beautiful flirt. And I admired him as one should– without devout interest, and at least an arm’s length away. Because beautiful boys have the power to hurt your soul.
Except Jacob wasn’t anything like Dean and often proved it. I mean, yeah, he could be intense, and our conversations often drifted to home. It was like he took one look at me and knew I needed someone like him– intense, but sincere. Honest.Alwayshonest. Sometimes a little too honest.
If I left my dorm in baggyanything, I was forced to turn around and change. If my hair and makeup weren’t done, I was made to turn around and do them– even if it meant I was tardy sometimes. I even bought my first two-piece bikini that summer and had actual tan lines when we came back from the beach in Jersey.
The only thing he couldn’t convince me of? Wearing heels. Because heels are nothing but beautiful, ankle-rolling death traps and are meant to be worn on special occasions. If that.
We compromised on wedges.
The summer passed and we shared secrets. I told him all about Dean, and he told me all about some jock that was too scared to come out. So we were both in New York away from our smallminded small towns,healing. Westayed in each other’s dorm rooms a lot, and then we flew back down to Texas together.
First day of school, junior year– I avoid Dean just fine. It’s almost too easy. Everyone is too excited to see each other again after camps and vacations.
“There’s my girl!” Jake said, holding out a helmet to me.
“Oh my god! Jacob! What are you doing here?” I ask, surprise and happiness in my voice as I go to hug the shit out of him.
“Hold on, don’t let go too quickly. I think that asshole that broke your heart is watching us. Don’t turn around, just… yup, slower. Kiss my cheek-“ he tilts his head even further my way “Okay that should’ve looked like we were making out. Ha! He’s definitely glaring at me like he wants to kill me. God, he’s hot. No wonder you let him break your cute little heart. Put your helmet on, let’s go. Your mama’s waiting on us.”
If Mama liked Dean, shelovedJacob. Twice as charming and lovable, with no hidden agenda.Daddy seemed to like him just fine, too. Apparently, my folks knew his grandparents. So when he came over, it was like having a long-lost cousin visiting.
I hop on the back of his old Harley, and once my visor is down, I catch Dean still glaring– but he also looks like he wants to puke. My belly swoops, but instead of looking back, I lean forward and wrap my arms around Jacob’s taut torso. Because if Dean thinks I didn’t know what he was up to this summer while he was partying and living it up before football camp, he’s dead wrong.
And two can play at this game.
Adelaide is a small town– population of seven hundred and eleven– which means Malorie, Stephanie, and every other girl whose name ended with -ie? I knew about. So yeah, maybe I was using Jacob as a front, but only because I’d do it for Jacob, too. Not only that, but as we ride off, Jacob is laughing his ass off.
“We should’ve sold it with a real kiss!” He says over the roar of his engine.
“Next time!” I scream as he speeds up.
Zoey and I decided not to share a locker this year, on account of me having extra textbooks and they don’t fit.
I’m taking two extra classes so I can start my progress on graduating early. I’ll be taking an extra course with modules during holiday break, spring break, and half of the summer. I’ll only be a senior next year for the first semester–ifthings go according to plan. Because thanks to Jacob, I fell in love with New York and everything it had to offer. It called my name like a beacon in the night, and I wanted to answer its call.I just had to build more rapport and graduate first.
The shitty thing about our locker system this year is that it’s only one hallway. So on a Friday, three weeks into the school year during a pep rally, I’m getting my things out of my locker, ready to go. Jacob is picking me up to go to a game in his town so we can make his jock jealous. I hear a locker slam shut. When I look up, my smile drops. We’re alone.
