Page 77 of The No Touch Roommate Rule
Nix:Yeah, they’re massive. Intimidatingly large. Which becomes relevant later in the story…
Parker: NO.
Nix:Look, I don’t know how it happened. One minute we’re having a deep conversation about survivor’s guilt, and the next minute she’s in my lap and we’re making out. And then we agreed that fucking in a hot tub isn’t healthy or easy, so we moved to the vegetable garden.
Parker:I’m going to murder you.
Nix:I know. But we were really tipsy by then. The dirt seemed romantic. And the creative use of produce was fun. Charlotte said it was like some ancient pagan thing the Romans used to do to make the fields fertile. She’s crazy hot and crazy smart.
Parker:Dead. You are dead.
Nix:I can’t help it. The zucchini gods demanded a sacrifice!
Parker:I’m going to sacrifice YOU. That’s Makena’s friend and BOSS when she works catering gigs.
Nix:I KNOW. That’s why I’m apologizing! I didn’t mean to fuck your girlfriend’s boss friend in your garden! It just happened!
Parker:Did you at least use protection? Please tell me you didn’t raw dog it in my heirloom tomatoes.
Nix:Of course, we used protection. She had some in her purse. Like I said, very smart woman. Very prepared. And very flexible…
Parker:I don’t need details.
Nix:I know, and I’m not going to give you any. Like I said, she wasn’t my usual type, Parker. She was smart and thoughtful and seemed to care more about what I was doing with my hands to help flood victims than what I do with my stick to earn a living. She was special and, with your permission, I’d like to see her again.
Parker: NO.
Nix:Come on. This could be real, man. You know me, I usually like my women with crow’s feet, too much time on their hands after their divorce, and kids in college. This woman isn’t like that. She’s never been married, no kids, runs a business like a boss, and can’t be more than 35. But still…I can NOT stop thinking about her.
Parker:She’s 40, you dumbass. Right in your cougar demographic.
Nix:40?? No way. She looks amazing. Fuck. FUCK, Parker. Now I want her even more, and she wouldn’t even give me her number.
Parker: Good for her.
Nix:Why? She said it was some of the best sex she’d ever had, and it was honestly the hottest night of my life, man. No doubt.
Parker:The hottest night of your life was in my VEGETABLE GARDEN?
Nix:YES. Don’t shame me. The zucchini was only part of it. It was mostly just…her. We had a connection, and I know she felt it, too. So, please, don’t stand in the way of something real. Just ask Makena for her number. That’s all I need. Just a way to get in touch.
Parker:Absolutely not. Things are finally going really well with us.
Nix: Oh yeah?
Parker: We’re buying matching t-shirts right now. And she slept on my chest last night, and I’m so happy I can hardly stand myself.
Nix:Aw, man, that’s great. You’re in love! You’re buying matching t-shirts and living the life. So, have some compassion for those of us who are still suffering.
Parker:You’re not suffering. It was a one-night stand. You’ll get over it.
Nix:No, I won’t. Please, Parker. I’m serious. This wasn’t just any other night. This was something different. Something special. Something that made me want to change my ways. Maybe for good.
Parker: Jesus. The drama.
Nix:Says the king of drama. Who listened to you mope about Makena for months and never told you to give up the dream? Huh?
Parker:Blue. Because he’s not a dream killer like you.
