Page 66 of Make Me Whole
Chapter Thirty-One
BRADLEY
With one handburied in Bandit's fur, and the other toying with the thin envelope, my gaze remained on the ceiling. This damn letter had been burning a hole in my pocket for three days while Hailey's words ran through my mind on a loop. 'There might come a day when the questions in your head will demand to be heard and that letter might just have the answers to quiet them.'
When my dad had first told me about it, I'd been adamant that I wasn't even going to look at it, but now I was wondering if not reading it was somehow tethering my past to my future.
A future I wanted to share with Hailey.
My fingers dug deeper into Bandit's fur; scratching that sweet spot behind his ear that always made him groan with pleasure. "What do you think, boy? Should I read it?"
Unfazed by my question, he rolled onto his back and pawed at my arm until I gave him a belly rub. Chuckling, I said, "How nice it must be when your only worry is what part of your body you want scratched."
My heart rate kicked up a few notches when I turned my attention back to the letter pinched between my fingers. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I had to do this if I wanted to give my relationship with Hailey a fair chance. I owed it to us both to leave the demons of my past where they belonged.
I released a slow, shaky breath through my pursed lips before pushing into a seated position. Leaning back against my headboard, trembling fingers tore open the envelope to retrieve the one-page letter.
My heart thundering in my ears was the only sound I heard as I unfolded the piece of paper and stared at the blurred words. I had to blink a few times before the neat cursive came into focus.
My dearest Bradley,
Words will never be enough to take away the pain you had to endure because of me, and for that, I am truly sorry. My life is coming to an end and I don't want to leave this world without telling you how I feel.
Please know that my leaving had nothing to do with you and your sister, or even your father. I loved all three of you so very much. I simply thought I would never be fully happy until I quenched the thirst I had to see the world.
Your father had only just taken the ranch over from your grandfather and money was tight. Being young and still selfish, I didn't want to wait until we had enough money to travel. Depression took hold of my life and it refused to let go.
Looking back, I should've listened when your father begged me to seek help after your sister was born. As usual, though, I thought I knew better.
One day while I flipped through one of my magazines, I saw the advertisement that changed my entire life. They were looking for young, single people to work on these fancy cruise ships that sailed all over the world.
I'm ashamed to say that I was in such a bad place I didn't even think twice about answering the ad. I didn't stop and think about the consequences of my actions. Those would only come back to haunt me later in life.
There wasn't a city or monument that could fill the void that leaving you created. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you and your sister. With each passing year, I wondered what you looked like. What your hobbies were. And if you missed me as much as I missed you.
I can still remember all the dreams that shone so brightly in your big, blue eyes. Did any of them come true?
You're probably thinking why I didn't just come back then? Let me tell you, my sweet boy, pride and shame are two very powerful things. If you let them, they'll control your entire life.
I was so afraid of what you might think of me that I chose to stay away. And not because I didn't love you, but rather, because I loved you so much. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection I so rightly deserved.
I've made so many mistakes over the years; leaving my family behind without a doubt the worst of them all.
I'm aware that this letter might not bring you comfort, it might not even bring you answers but I hope it brings you the knowledge that I never stopped loving you. Not for one second of my life.
Love always,
Mom
"Wow." I dropped the letter to my lap and waited for the anger to come, but it never did. In its place, was a profound sadness for everything we'd missed out on. I wracked my brain, trying my darndest to figure out why my parents just gave up on each other like that.
Pushing off the bed, I pulled on a fresh pair of jeans and t-shirt before shuffling out of my room to do something I should've done years ago.
"Can I come in?"
My dad turned away from his office window to focus on where I was standing inside the doorframe. "Always." He motioned toward the wingback opposite his desk.
After closing the door behind me, I approached it as if it was some kind of weapon of mass destruction. As I lowered my frame into the plush leather, I caught a glimpse of the old photos strewn about the smooth surface of his desk.
