Page 79 of Slow Burn
A little tingle started at the base of my neck before it worked its way down my spine and filled my stomach with dread. There was no doubt I wanted Adam at the party with me. But I knew about his aversion to people and being in public places, so I hadn't asked him yet.
I couldn't tell that to my sister or even my best friend. I didn't think they'd understand. Or they'd ask me the one question I really didn't want an answer to.
Was it always going to be like this?
Me flying solo because my boyfriend's demons refused to let him go. I couldn't think about what it would mean if the answer was yes.
"There you go again." Frankie sounded as exasperated as she looked when she threw her hands in the air.
"I'll ask him if he wants to come along." There was a slight trip in my voice, and I hoped like hell they didn't hear it. Judging by the annoyed look on Frankie's face, Ihighly doubted she heard anything other than her teeth grinding together.
For the first time since we'd been friends, she was in the dark about what was going on with me. Of course, I'd told her Adam and I were seeing more of each other but that's where it stopped. No matter how many times she asked about him, I kept steering the conversation in a different direction.
And it wasn't because of shame or anything like that. Adam's story simply wasn't mine to tell. In some weird way, I felt like I was protecting him if I told them nothing.
Jennah touched her palm to my elbow, effectively pulling me from my thoughts. "I have to go pick up Tommy at Mom and Dad's. I'll see you tomorrow." Her hand tightened around my arm and she pulled me in for another hug. "I'm so proud of you, Maddie. You've already done so many great things and you're going to do so many more."
"Thank you, Jen." I had no idea how I managed to get the words past the enormous lump in my throat. Sure, all my ducks weren't in a row. A lot of unanswered questions still floated above my head like big fat blinking lights but at least my relationship with Jennah was better than it had ever been.
"I have to get going too," Frankie said as Jennah and I pulled out of our embrace. "Those fifty cupcakes aren't going to bake themselves." She might have been slightly irritated with me earlier, but she still hugged me close and once again told me how happy she was for me.
We said our goodbyes and after I walked the two of them out, it was just me and my thoughts left in the studio. Retrieving my phone from my pocket, I connected it to the speaker via Bluetooth and cued up one of my favoriteAmy Leesongs.
I toed off my shoes and hurried to the middle of the floor. Once the song started, I let go of everything. I allowed the music and lyrics to guide my movements. Kicking my leg high before quickly pulling it back and wrapping my arms around my waist while still swaying to the beat.
I jumped, twirled, and allowed gravity to drag me to the floor while the song reminded me how unexpected love was and how it could grow from nothing. My body moved to every slow beat, drawing out emotions from deep inside me.
Only this time, it wasn't freeing. It hurt. So much that I collapsed into a heap on the floor, my body shaking with every heart-crushing sob that left it. I wasn't even sure why I was crying just that I couldn't stop.
Curled into a ball, I dropped my forehead against the floor and gave in when a pair of arms suddenly wrapped around me and pulled me into a familiar chest. One hand cradled my head as the other smoothed down my back.
I curled my fists into my dad's shirt as my body produced even more tears and snot. This was full-on ugly crying that showed sign of letting up. In fact, the more my dad comforted me, the harder my sobs became.
"That's it. Let it all out," he said softly.
Somehow the gentle tone in his voice coupled with the way he was he was holding me just made me wail even harder. Everything about the moment felt foreign and yet desperately needed.
I wanted to pull away and yell out my frustrations but at the same time, I couldn't bear to let go in case this was the one and only time I'd get to be like this with my dad.
"Please forgive me, Madison," he begged. "I've done so wrong by you; I don't even know how to start making it right."
I shook my head slightly. Not because I didn't want to give him forgiveness, I was trying my hardest to form actual words instead of the unholy whimpering sounds coming from the back of my throat.
"So many mistakes," he whispered against the top of my head, his voice trembling with emotion. "I've made so many mistakes. I wish I could take them all back and start over. But life doesn't work that way, now does it?"
Pausing for a beat, my dad pushed me away slightly, instantly cupping my cheeks. "I'm an idiot, Madison. An idiot who doesn't deserve the gifts life has given me." His thumb swiped at the tears still rolling down my cheeks. "I'm so very sorry, my child. I'm sorry for not supporting your dreams. For not recognizing your talent. For making it all about me when it should've been aboutyou."
I took a deep stuttering breath as I tried to regain some of my composure. "You…"sniff."Should have…"sniff."Told me about…"sniff."Your sister."
Dad's eyes were shimmering with tears just waiting to fall. He nodded furiously. "Yes, yes, I should have been honest with you."
My throat felt so thick, it hurt. "So many secrets. So much hurt." Wetting my dry lips, I forged on, "You hurt me, Dad. Made me feel like I wasn't enough. That my dreams were nothing more than silly notions."
"I know, Madison." Two thick tears rolled down my dad's leathery cheeks. "I wish I could go back. Heaven knows how desperately I want to go back and do things differently. It was never you…And it wasn't fair of me to pass my demons on to you."
At this point, I was a sniffling, blubbering mess. I didn't need my dad to go through the whole ugly ordeal for me. It was enough to understand the reasons why he'd acted the way he had.
"But I'm here now and I promise you, no more," he vowed, earnestly. "No more. You hear me? I swear to you, from now on, I'm here. One hundred percent. Whatever you need. I love you so much." My dad crushed me to his chest again, holding me as if he was afraid I'd run away.
