Page 84 of Sharing Shadow Secrets
Is this the kind of want that comes from addiction—or normal want? That’s always the question. And I never immediately know the answer because of everything I’ve been through.
My therapist would tell me to pause. So I do.
He’d ask:What story are you telling yourself right now?
That this is harmless? That doing it “for Taylor” means I’m not chasing the high?
He’d push further. Ask me:What’s underneath the want?
Loneliness?
Shame?
A need to feel in control?
I stop pacing and press my palm to my chest, grounding myself.
Maybe it’s all of it. Maybe part of me still believes I have to perform to be loved—to be chosen. That my willingness is why they want me.
Taylor isn’t asking me to be reckless though. She’s not pushing. She literally asked how this would impact my mental health. No one’s ever said that to me. Ever.
That means a lot.
And now that I’m really thinking about it … I want this. For her. For me. For us. I’m willingly going into it. I’m choosing this course. It was my idea. I want them.
But before anything else happens, we all need to get on the same page.
59
Taylor approaches me, joking, “You’re free.”
While tonight has been fun, I’m relieved it’s over. “When areyoufree?” I ask, seeing she has a drink in hand.
“Now.”
The excitement of hearing her pant again rushes through me.
“What is that?” I ask, nodding toward her glass.
“A mocktail. It’s amazing. I don’t even know what’s in it—lavender and ginger beer, I think?”
“That sounds good. Join me at the bar?”
She nods, and as we walk, I lower my voice. “Where’s your boyfriend?”
Taylor glances around. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in a minute.”
“So, when we find him …” I pause just long enough to be suggestive. “We’re going back to his place?”
She looks up at me with wide, excited eyes. “I think so.” Her smile is shy and completely irresistible.
“You’re too cute,” I whisper in her ear, surprised by all of this. That Brandon wants me to join. That Taylor does too.
She presses a finger into my stomach in retaliation, then turns to the bartender. “Can you make Kyle the same thing you made me?”
I take a look around the crowded bar and spot Brandon entering through the front door. I raise a hand, and he nods, then starts walking over. Watching him approach, my pulse quickens as he holds my gaze. I can’t wait to touch him too.
“What are you drinking?” Brandon asks Taylor. I clock the subtle edge in it.
