Page 126 of The Cerulean Sister
"It's getting more dangerous, unnecessarily risky—" He sighs, interrupting himself. "When should I send her?"
"After midday, sometime after the second bells ring. The first of the death rituals begins tomorrow for the fallen temple members." I stare at him, realizing I am confirming that danger he is speaking of.
There is a long, drawn-out silence, one that would be between two strangers, not lovers.
"I saw you with the highest, but I could not hear her words," he finally says.
I nod, not wanting to tell him just how affected I am with my conversation with Crixa, how it made me feel. "She was just questioning me. She knew I used my light."
"I can come back, stay outside your door if you are afraid."
"No, 99," I whisper.
I am not afraid of being attacked, but that I am losing my mind, the poison of this place infecting me, altering how I think, my point of view. That is the greatest danger to me here—my own head—and there is nothing I can do to reach out and ground myself no matter how badly I want to tether to him.
"Did she upset you?" He can tell I am holding back.
"She commanded me to begin training with the elders, the ones who practice in the courtyards."
"I have seen them. She trusts you then?"
"It means she is willing to let me die fighting for my temple," I say, but I know there is a real possibility it is more than that.
"Do not say such things."
"She wants me to serve the temple in this way instead of finishing my period of atonement."
"I do not want you to fight."
"Well, those are my vows, 99!"
He recoils a little, but my defensiveness even scares me.
"My . . ." I stumble over my words. "Myoriginalvows were to protect the stones, fight for the temple. It is the reason for our gifts, isn't it?"
"I know that you can use your light, Ferren. That is not what I am saying."
I wish I knew what he was thinking, how he truly felt.
"Tell me what else has happened," he continues.
I should tell him how Crixa being relieved and happy to see me affected my emotions.
"Nothing, I just underestimated this place." It's like lead in my throat to get the words out.
99 takes my hand and brings it up to his chest, physically trying to ground me to him. "Listen to me, Ferren. You are capable whether we are tethered or not. The guards at your door are not because I believe you are weak. They are there becauseIam. I cannot function unless I know half of our resources are surrounding you."
I press my hand to the side of his helmet, and he slants into it as if my skin is touching his. "I can't do this without our tether. I can feel myself sinking."
He crushes me against him. "Tomorrow, you will get those ledgers with Calliape and we will end this. I love you, Ferren.When we are tethered again, you will see I have thought of little else since we parted."
Chapter
Thirty-Four
Calliape is waiting for me in my chambers when I return from the death rituals in the temple. The elders carried out the traditional prayer for their bodies to be laid to rest, and the entire congregation was in attendance to watch the passing of the three elder priestesses who were slain in the coup. Next will be the high priestesses, and finally the lesser will be honored with their own death ceremonies in the coming days.
I was permitted to sit with the other high priestesses, no longer alone in the back of the temple. I still felt eyes on me, but it was different today. When the temple members whispered and glanced in my direction, it was not in pity or disgust. It was in praise of what I did to protect the stones. Some even stopped to bless me as I tried to exit unnoticed. They are still wary of me, I can tell, but I cannot deny the relief of their acceptance.
