Page 134 of The Cerulean Sister
I smile up at him flatly, trying to remind myself to breathe. We did it, we found the information that could save Leema, the proof that will force Viathan's hands to intervene, but I can't even allow myself to be happy until we hear back.
"I will have Calliape take me to the Estate," I whisper.
I could stay here and wait for him. My Viathan guards posted at my door would alert 99 if anyone came looking for me. But with the relief of this almost being over, all I want to do is sit alone and let my mind rest without having to be perceived by anyone.
When Thea said she wanted privacy for her grief, I did not understand, but I do now.
He breathes in sharply, his body stiff and towering over me. "You are certain?"
I feel cruel not wanting to explain all of the emotions swirling around in my head, ones I have been suppressing and others surfacing when I saw my mother’s name, but I am so tired and know the words will come out wrong.
I can't tell him I want to sit in a warm, empty temple and become so deep in thought, I have no feelings at all. Or that I have this urge to pray for so long my knees hurt from letting every emotion run through me, the motionless statue of First Mother as the only witness. I need the simplicity of how lonely I used to be.
And if I say that to 99 untethered, it will scare him.
"Yes, I have to be in the temple early tomorrow, the high priestess death rituals."
Calliape's smiles sobers when she hears our conversation, and Selene pretends to collect her things to travel with 99 through the city, but her judgmental eyes keep reaching mine.
99 does not press the issue even though I know he wants to ask me to reconsider, his fists flexing at his sides.
I look up at him, almost begging he will understand. "It was difficult to see all the names together."
His posture changes, and something crosses over his body that makes me think that maybe he has realized who is among the names.
"I will find you after temple service," I whisper.
His hand raises slightly, like he wants to reach out and touch me, but he drops it at his side, then nods.
Selene folds the papers neatly and gathers up the ledgers. She stuffs them into a large bag and wraps a shawl around her shoulders and head to disguise herself. "I will be back as soon as I can," she mutters to Calliape.
99 holds the door open for her to begin their long walk to the Viathans’ ship. He looks over his shoulder, pausing in the threshold like he may say something else, but then he steps out into the hangar, leaving a cold, empty spot I can feel down to my bones.
The death rituals for the high priestesses are more somber than the previous. So many fell in the coup, either caught off guard or defending the Estate. A streak of guilt runs through me when the names are called, but I do not know the name of the one who fought in the corridor with Ben.
No service has moved me since I returned, I sit through them daydreaming about 99 or replaying my memories of our life on Viathan, but this ritual pulls at me a little too much.
I scan the front pews for Leema. She looks somber, staring up at the elder priestess who speaks. She doesn't seem nearly as happy as she did when I first saw her here. I am so tempted to press into her mind’s eye even though I know she hates it, but I promised her in the past I wouldn’t.
I want to tell her I saw our mother’s name and how sorry I am for not understanding why she left, for thinking the twisted version of our relationship was true.
When the elder priestess dismisses us for the day, I rise from my pew and walk to the back of the temple on swift feet, mypriority making sure Leema is safe above my need to selfishly speak with her and calm my own emotions.
My nerves sing with anxiety to find 99 and hear how the evidence was received. I have regretted leaving the safe house since Calliape brought me back to my chambers. She asked several times if I was alright, and even though I assured her I was, in truth I was breaking apart in more than one place.
I walk out of the temple wing and pace through the Estate until all of the temple members around me have gone back to their daily tasks, leaving the halls empty of the crowd after such a large service.
The Estate is full of Viathan commanders stationed at each corridor, enough to protect anyone walking through the halls. My Viathan guards did not follow me to temple this morning as I thought they would, likely only keeping a post outside my bedchamber at night. I pass another pair of commanders as I enter a secluded hall.
But then I pause and turn back to the commander on the end. I don't want to wait until 99 comes to my chambers to inform me how his meeting went. All of the Viathans have a direct link to him.
"Excuse me," I say.
Neither of them answer or even move from their perfectly still positions.
"I need to speak to your 99th Commander."
Again, they do not answer, so I plant myself right in front of them and notice the shorter of the two tilts their helmet toward me slightly like I am finally recognized.
