Page 14 of The Cerulean Sister
She nods and squats near a small fire pit with a metal kettle suspended over it. "Anytime I think I have seen all the strangeness here, Allister will use a machine to complete the simplest of tasks. It is hard to constantly be reminded you are not home, even if you have no desire to be home at all."
"Sometimes I wake up in a panic that I am late for temple service." I offer her a thick kitchen mitten. "Then I panic all over again, knowing there is a Viathan version of a temple in the same building."
"Have you ever peeked inside?" She lifts the steaming lid and stirs.
"Sometimes, 99 will guide me down that corridor when I am not paying attention. Heslowsdown when we pass, just in case. But no, I don’t have any desire to go inside, and my reasoning changes daily," I confess.
"That is very sweet, but I don't blame you. Maybe it is better not to know how different the actual Viathan temples are." She stares out into the tree line, her version of an odd and different temple.
"I wish it were easier, that I could stop comparing and feeling out of place every time I look around." I wish I had the courage to tell her that I cannot remember the last time I prayed, how I have not had the thought to since we left Cosima.
Calliape would never judge me, but confessing it aloud has the same permanence as scribing it in ink. No longer a fleeting thought that floats away with distraction, it would be made real and I would have to face what that means.
"Yes, and I don’t want to go back to Frith even if I miss the forest there. Being in this one helps, but then it suddenly doesn't and I can't step foot in it for days." She pulls at a sticky pink twig that grows out of the ground, twisting it like it is taunting her that even the grass is not hers.
"It seemed easier when it was just you, 99, August, and me. When we were on the ship, everything around us was scary, but it felt . . ." I have no words other than touching my chest. "I don't think of other places when we are all together."
She smiles and nods. "Frithians have a name for that. The home that journeys with you. I feel it too."
I don't know if she realizes how her words are striking. She has plucked them from my own thoughts and put her own heart brand on them. The only time I am truly at ease, when my bodyis not fearful, is when we are all together. Like I can take in a full breath of air and completely focus on the present.
"I want to feel settled here."
"It will just take some time, I think."
"Are you ever afraid the people we left behind will come and take us back?"I whisper into her mind's eye.
"Fear is not what I would call it. Unease maybe," she says aloud. "You are afraid the priestess order will make you return?"
"I know they cannot make me. The sanctuary law is binding, but there are other things the temple could try. Their manipulation seems to have no boundaries."
"Yes, but you know that now. You will see the signs this time. If they try to go through you, use the guilt they have manufactured in you, then we will all see and help you. And if guilt is something they have embedded in you, perhaps fear is too."
I reach for her hand, and she grasps mine without hesitation. "I know the capital building was not right for you. I just—I wish I could see you every day. I wish I could be a better friend to you, Calliape. You give me so much."
"The temple doesn't have to do much work when you speak like that." She gives my hand a friendly tug, jolting me as a reminder about what she just said about guilt.
I laugh but it is true. The tiny pink scar on her cheek is a reminder of that fact and the only physical evidence of our battle in the grand hall. I was not there for her when we first arrived, and she too, had to recover from the trauma we endured that last day in the Estate.
But August was. He stayed with her, refusing to take on any transporting job until she recovered. Without 99 and August, we both would be lost.
"If the last time we felt at ease was when we were all together, then I think we need to find a way to do that more. I don't foresee 99 or August having a problem with it," I say.
"No, I think not." She giggles and shakes her head, obviously thinking of August.
When we walk back into the temple, 99 is standing at the base of Allister's ladder, looking up at him working on the ceiling.
"It's there. It goes all the way through." 99 points.
"Bah, it's a tiny crack in the plaster." Allister continues to patch the discolored hairline fracture.
"That is a crack. There is the hole." 99's gloved finger trails to a section not too far from the now patched mural.
"If you want to use that fancy helmet of yours to get on the roof and patch it, be my guest. But all I see is a crack, and that's what I am fixing." Allister descends the ladder with a satisfied expression.
Both of them turn in unison and look over their shoulders as Calliape and I enter. I can't decide what is cuter, Allister's wrinkly eyes or the way he watches 99 gravitate toward me like he is truly happy for his son.
99 brushes his knuckles down my arm to capture my attention. "You alright?" he whispers.
