Page 81 of The Cerulean Sister
My shoulder is shoved, instructing me to walk toward it. I keep my eyes on the opalescent tiles, warped by my movements through the water and made golden by the candles that line the rim of the giant bath.
I wade out until my feet cannot touch the bottom, until my body is buoyant and I have to duck my head under.
When I first did this ritual, I wept again when I was turned away from the highest and the temple elders. I waited until I was submerged to let myself be overcome with emotion, knowing that when I broke through the surface, I would no longer be a child but a priestess of the order, devoted to First Mother and the preservation of our world.
But now, I feel nothing but the urge to surface and breathe again. To rinse all the oil out of my hair and be taken to a bedchamber so that I can sleep on a proper mattress.
The only thing at the forefront of my mind is knowing that when I walk out into the corridor, Lord Hollis will be there and his beady little eyes will be on me, getting some satisfaction from my discomfort.
I surface, swimming back until my toes touch the little tiles on the bottom then standing. The elders form a line on either side as I emerge from the water, blessing me and saying thanks to First Mother.
Crixa holds a temple robe draped over her forearms, waiting for me to approach.
"High Priestess Ferren, I dress you in the cloth of the temple." She unfolds the dark grey robe and places it over my shoulders. "I drape you in the veil in First Mother's embrace.May she forgive your transgressions as you have renewed your vow to her."
I pull my arms through the robe as the long, sheer veil is placed on top of my wet hair.
All in dark grey. The color of a high priestess.
The soft, silky fabric feels like it's woven with lead, hanging and pulling me downward.
"Blessed High Priestess," Crixa says, the tightness of her smile tense and confusing.
She gestures for the others to leave; the ritual is over. She does not care that I have not confessed my sins, that I have not prayed to First Mother for forgiveness.
She only cares that I have admitted to ascension and that I will keep up that ruse or that I have been truly convinced it happened and I was mistaken.
The door opens moments after the elders leave, and I see High Priestess Constance enter. She greets Crixa before walking over to me and wordlessly placing her palm on my lower abdomen.
"What are you doing?" I squirm a little under the hand that seems to be growing in heat against me.
"Hold still," Crixa commands.
"Her womb is empty." High Priestess Constance retracts.
The simple press felt like a violation. I know I am not pregnant, but a verbal inquiry was never made. Crixa knew how to get her answer, one more trustworthy than I could provide.
"It appears you were intelligent enough about one thing," Crixa says, seeming relieved. When she mentioned my possible future here before, she said she would encourage a pregnancy. When Crixa spoke of it then, I knew the type she was referring to, one sanctioned and matched by her.
My stomach churns when I think of what would happen if I were carrying a child and if 99 and I were not so diligent in preventing that outcome.
I wonder how far she will push to see if I will lash out and hopelessly try to unleash my light even though it has been taken. But there isn't anything this woman can do to make me turn my back on Leema and divert my attention on uncovering the horrors happening here. She can have this. I will generously give her my humanity, my dignity, and whatever else because soon none of this will matter.
"Lord Hollis will oversee your continued service through labor and suffering for your temple."
"Thank you, my highest." I bow my head.
"He will house your gifts until you have proven yourself. You will also be escorted by an armed guard while your duties are being completed. You are to live in high priestess chambers and attend temple under supervision. Do you understand?"
"Yes, my highest priestess. It is truly a blessing to be given a chance at atonement."
She squints her eyes at me. "Yes, but I am disheartened that it took your sister's pregnancy for you to see the error of your ways, my dear. Such extremism."
Any information I have said to Lord Hollis during his questioning has been relayed back to her, and she uses it for manipulation or control. His interrogation on how I was informed about Leema's pregnancy went on at length. I could not tell him Thea used the beacon or lie and say Leema contacted me; it would risk endangering them too. When Lord Hollis pressed further for an answer, I said I received correspondence from a man but the Viathans would not reveal the name.
He was only partially satisfied with that, perhaps thinking it was Leema's father.
"First Mother calls us home when we need it most." I swallow hard.
