Page 109 of The Cerulean Sister
"Leema, you said awful things to me for not ascending, blamed me for our mother’s death. Do not rewrite our history."
"Yes, maybe when we were children!"
"That is not true."
"It is, and First Mother forgive me, but the priestess order used our pain to control you, to make you more devout. Of course I wanted you to ascend, but I did not leave because you had not tipped the scales of divinity back and given our mother's death meaning. Those were your words, but before that, they were the temple’s. I heard them say it."
My head spins as I try to make sense of what she is saying.
"And no matter how many times I tried to get through to you, it was like talking through a thick veil. You were obsessed. It was too much. So yes, I had to leave the Estate."
"If that is true, then why did you come back? If you loathe the priestess order so much, then why return?" I spit.
"I have been living with my father, in an outer city, but there is a midwife here, comforts I could never afford, proper food. That is the reason our mother did the same: because we had nowhere else to go."
I stare at her, her sky-blue eyes so glossy with emotion. I have robbed us of the relationship we could have had. It makes me sick to know that the voice in my head driving me toward ascension for so long was only a twisted version of Leema.
"I am sorry," I say, because what else is there for me to?
I believe her, of course I do. The priestess order has lied to me before, manipulated me for their gain, so why would they not do this? Leema was a living, breathing foundation of guilt they could draw from anytime they needed to control me or keep me in line.
"You do not have the strange fogginess in your eyes anymore. The last time I saw you—" Her words are cut off by a gasp as she clutches her belly.
The ground beneath our feet shakes. A tremor so violent, it bounces the Estate. No warning, no rolling lead-up, just an angry thrashing across all of Cosima like the worlds are gathering stones, shaking, and then casting them out across the surface.
Leema shrieks and clutches at her stomach, desperate to protect it.
"It's ok!" I try to assure her as the wall around the courtyard makes an awful groaning, threatening to crumble around us.
I try to comfort her again, but my voice is lost to the sound.
Leema does not know that the tremors seem more intense in the Estate as the conjunction nears. She has only felt them in the outer city. She has experienced all previous tremors while in the temple now, but on the tail end of an attack, it feels even more threatening.
The walls seem not equipped to handle such a force but have withstood every conjunction since the beginning. The windows make such a terrible clatter, like they will break but never do. The floor growls like it will crumble beneath us but it never does.
The others in the courtyard take cover as some little stones fall from the walls, and it seems all of them, even the elders, are afraid, the coup making lasting ripples on everyone here.
I drape my body over Leema. "It's a tremor. We are safe," I say into her ear, hoping she understands that another coup is not happening.
I hold her so close against me, shielding the side of her belly that is exposed, and even though I know we are fine, she does not.
She moves her hand to the back of my head, like she wants to protect me too but it's all she can offer. She keeps it locked there, knowing if something were to fall, her hand would take the blow first.
That tiny act crashes into me with such force, my throat constricts as I try to hold back a sob. It's as close to love as I have felt from Leema in a long time and restores something in me. Faith in us, in who we are to each other, and the bond that cannot be put into words and is only really exposed by actions.
Then the world stills and her hand slips away, the moment and care gone. I leave my hand on her belly as we straighten, no longer hunched over on the stone bench.
Her belly is firm, warm, and for some reason, I hope she doesn't notice my hand there, but she does.
An elder shouts out in the courtyard, calling the women back to their temple, the guards closing in on the group.
She removes my hand and gently sets it on my lap. "I will look for you in temple service. I am happy you have returned sister."
After seeing Leema, I am a ghost in the halls as I finish the remaining statues for the day. I cannot think of much else, replaying our conversation over and over, wishing I said things differently. Trying to remember every word she and I said aloud and the ones I didn't.
I had not intended to bring up our past, but when I realized I would not be able to get into that temple before I met with 99 tonight, I could not help the other emotions that came up and begged to be addressed. The reality of them is more complicated than I could have imagined.
I sit on the edge of my bed, waiting to hear another knock at my door. The anticipation of hearing 99's heavier hand against the wood, knowing he is on the other side, has my ears ringing and hearing phantom footsteps in the corridor.
