Page 145 of The Cerulean Sister
"I did not realize how dark Cosima would get as the conjunction nears. I was not stationed here for the last one," he says and begins removing the rest of his armor, setting it aside until only his tunic and pants remain.
Even though he has brought back good news, he seems so uneasy, as if being in this room with me, finally alone and not in immediate danger is more overwhelming than he thought it would be. It is quite the realization when one of the most feared commanders in the three worlds is suddenly nervous to be in your presence, especially after all this time.
I bite my lip, trying to hide how cute I find the anxiety in his voice. "It gets pitch black in the final days." I smile up at him.
He nods and clears his throat.
"Ferren, I wanted to ask you if what I did during the coup." He sighs, then starts over. "I received the update from Augustand Calliape. It was difficult knowing you could not call out to her if you were in danger. I did not know you were in a dungeon until Commander Wesley reported back to me. It took everything in me not to level the Estate. So when we got the intel that First Son’s followers were inside and planning an attack, I could not stop what unleashed inside of me, and it only grew worse when I saw what he did to you."
Oh.
He's not nervous at all . . . He is afraid that I see him differently and this awkwardness between us is not a symptom of having to learn to communicate without our tether, but because I love him less for how merciless he was in front of me.
I pull his hand into my lap, needing both of mine to cover it fully. "Do you think it changes how I feel about you?"
"You did not love me until you were permitted inside my mind, until your tether smoothed over the things in my nature I cannot help."
I run my fingertips over his rough knuckles. "I know who you are. I fell in love with you, seeing the dark parts of you, the things not said aloud. If we are never connected in that way again, I will miss it, but I will love you the same."
His breath heaves a little as he tilts his head back to clear any doubt. "I will love you the same too."
I want so badly to give in and reconnect our tether, but that feels like I would be agreeing with his worries, that I cannot love him unless it is firmly in place. I want him to know we can survive without it and prove it to the both of us.
I lift his hand and kiss it, holding it there to feel his skin against my lips while I speak. "I had similar fears, if you saw me here in my priestess veil, or if I was assimilating too much, you would think less of me."
"Never," he says plainly.
"Being here . . . I feel fragmented. What if when I start putting those pieces back together, they don't fit and some have to be discarded and some are so damaged that I am never whole again?"
I had no intention of telling him I was struggling here, that beyond having to suffer and atone for something I am not sorry for, that I can feel a part of myself tugging to revert to who I was before, to the comforts of patterns formed over years within myself.
"Then I will love any part you are willing to share, even the pieces I have to find on my own. I will cherish any new ones and hold together the ones that still feel fragmented for you."
It is impossible not to allow my eyes to water just a little when 99 talks to me with such tenderness.
"You are not a bad man, 99 . . . just like I know I am not wicked." I stare at his jaw as it clenches, the rough stubble there growing a little longer than usual. He watches our joined hands, running his thumb across my nail.
"There is more from my correspondence with Lord General," he whispers, the hesitant pause in his voice and stiff tone sending me a flush of nerves. "We spoke at length of what can be done for your own safety against the priestess order."
"Will my sanctuary order be reinstated?"
He shakes his head as if disappointed. "No, and it is unlikely the Viathan emperors would entertain another."
I smile a little to myself thinking of the pair of emperors’ frustration over voiding theircharity."I suppose I made them look foolish for even granting the first one."
"In their eyes, yes." He inhales deeply and another long silence draws out between us.
This time I am determined to sit in it, to bask in just being with him and not needing the re-assurance of every emotion laid before me.
Eventually the silence feels natural again, like we are choosing it, tethered or not.
After some time, he angles himself toward me gently, holding the space like he means to speak. "As for your protection, the lord general mentioned if you were a Viathan citizen, you would be safe. No law could be invoked to keep you here if they tried." He raises his head, finally looking at me with his deep blue eyes, the wrinkle between his brows threatening to crease permanently.
"99, you will have to explain what you mean." I laugh nervously at how intensely he searches my face. "How would I become a citizen of a world that is not mine?"
"Through union." He touches my chin, smoothing his thumb across my skin. "If we entered into a union, you would be granted Viathan citizenship."
My eyes are undoubtedly wide as he explains. I hope he does not think my perplexed expression has any weight to how my heart truly feels about the idea.
