Page 33 of The Cerulean Sister
"Maybe you should drink two cups this morning," he muses.
I almost choke at the crude joke and memory of how we continued on into the night and how many times he came inside me.
He smiles and continues to read the message until I am almost done with my tea, peeking over the lip of my mug to sneak a couple words. The script is odd, completely uniform, and void of any human touch except for the person on the other end pressing the commands for each letter. Details I never noted on Cosima have become so glaring here. I've settled with the inhuman feel of a lot of the Viathan conveniences and now view them as neutral aspects of this world.
He must feel the weight shift on his lap and know I am curious because he answers my wordless question. "Nothing too interesting." He tilts the data pad slightly toward me in case I want to continue reading with him.
Instead, I sink back down into his lap and feel the scratchy fabric of the pants he hastily put on and didn't bother to fasten all the way.
"But there is one from August." He kisses my shoulder. "Arrives today."
99 has mentioned how in and out of the capital August normally is, always running supplies on the other side of Viathan, where they harvest the metal for much of the technology used in their weapons and ships.
"When?" I ask.
"This afternoon. I'll send word to Allister."
The thought of seeing them all together has me smiling and jumping from his lap, and he grunts a little at the sudden change of pressure at his front.
I pull off his tunic and start to dress in the previous day's clothes. We will have to stop by our old room to retrieve my things. Space is limited here, but I have a few thin-fabric dresses that will take up barely any space in the little cupboard.
It's not often we get to be under one roof anymore as the conjunction gets closer, and everyone in the three worlds seems to be preparing for it and the chaos that it tends to bring.
Now that I have met 99's father, I want to spend time with him too. We can create a little family of our own here on Viathan.
I have to stop myself from getting weepy, thinking of how loneliness seems like a far-off concept now. I didn't realize how much it consumed my life before, how it soaked into the bone and ached like a physical injury. I still like my time alone, a habit maybe, but even then I crave 99's presence and long for our time on the ship where we had nothing to do but spend time with each other.
I am determined to no longer live in fear. I cannot shut myself away and fall back into the habit of isolation from the Estate. I have to fully let go of my old life. Maybe with time, I will return to the temple to pray, or do it in Calliape's forest behind her new home, or perhaps I will never pray again.
Right now, I want to cling to the people around me more than anything else. The very last string needs to be cut from my old life on Cosima, and I intend to no longer let it loom in the back of my mind, fear keeping me from putting down strong roots.
"You are finished then?" I tie the thin strings at my waist, then I glance up at 99 and find him staring at my fingers as they work the ties, data pad long forgotten, like he watched me dress from the very start.
His eyes travel up from my waist slowly until they meet mine with a half-smile. "The rest can wait."
"Well, I wanted to ask you something."
"What is it, Priestess?"
"I've been thinking . . . If there is time today—" My tone must be troublesome because I can feel his mind open like I've taken a battering ram to it. "I want to listen to the messages in the beacon room."
He nods with a furrowed brow, expecting there to be more. Originally when he offered to take me to the beacon room, I had no desire, content with them being relayed back to me, but now I cannot get the idea out of my head and how it may bring solid closure to hear the messages for myself.
"Will you come with me?" I touch his chin as he nods before I am finished. "Is there a way to erase them? I want to listen and then I want them gone."
His shoulders relax slightly. "You're certain you want them deleted?"
"This is my home now. Nothing the temple can say will change that. It may seem silly, but having them sitting there in the beacon room feels like a tether across the space between. Like it’s still connected to me and won't give any slack, so I would like it cut. I do not want to be ruled by the fear they created in me anymore."
I could explain further, but I have no words for the strange pull. All I know is I want it to stop, and this is the only way I know how.
99 squeezes my shoulder, letting me know he understands. "I will take you this afternoon if you wish."
"Thank you."
His arms wrap around me in a tight embrace, his chin resting on my head. I can hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat with my face pressed against his chest.
I am truly blessed to have such a sturdy place to fall as I maneuver who I am becoming in this world.
