Page 36 of The Cerulean Sister
"Again," I say.
Lee plays the message again.
There’s an intimate inflection only present in the voice of someone who deeply knows you. She says it like she would forgive my transgressions if I would just come back. But I know it's not that simple, if true at all.
"Please play the most recent from the temple," I request, knowing the next one is another guilt-driven attempt at just that.
Lee nods and hits another button.
The voice of an elder priestess cuts into the painful silence in the room. "To the member of the priestess order, Ferren, to whom sanctuary has been granted by Viathan and upheld by the planet Cosima, hear the words of your temple. The highest priestess in her merciful wisdom has offered a cleansing ritual of your transgressions against the temple, your vows, and your priestess sisters. Return to the temple and you will be clean in the eyes of it. You will be given the opportunity to atone for your blasphemy against First Mother, and with the help of your priestess sisters, may she find herself as merciful as your highest. Failure to do so will strip you of your title, the vows you took, and your body’s final rest with First Mother in death?—"
"Turn it off."
The message continues to play until Lee realizes what I have asked.
"Off! Please."
He jumps into action and flips a switch with shocking speed.
The feelings that come up with that offer are no longer fresh. The words sting but they do not penetrate my bones like they have before when 99 read them back to me.
We play every message Cosima, the Estate, and the temple has sent. I listen carefully to each one, trying to find a reason to ever listen to it again but falling short.
They have no power over me here, and soon they will have none over my mind. Crixa has etched herself inside me; her spell lingers and spills out into the cracks of my daily life. I will snuff her out until every emotion, thought, and deed I do is because I am doing it on my own, not because of her lingering so deeply rooted inside my mind.
"Lee, will you play the last one from the temple again please?" I ask, more determined to not let the message affect me at all.
"Happily, Priestess Ferren."
I move a piece of my hair back from my ear as if to hear it more clearly when the familiar message cuts into the room. I brush against the fern pin nestled there, right where 99 placed it. My fingertips run over the texture, and my eyes close as I remember what it looks like, what it means.
99 shifts behind me, likely picking up on my train of thought. I have felt him completely in tune to my emotions since we entered the room, so solidly tethered.
"Failure to do so will strip you of your title, the vows you took, and your body’s final rest with First Mother in death." The message continues, but the words that were so recently like the cold whips across my knuckles feel like . . . nothing at all.
Stripped of my title. The one that was so looked down upon by my peers? And my vows . . . ones I took with the knowledge I knew then? I've made new vows to First Mother and myself.
The perfectly formatted threat only proves that life will go on without me on Cosima; I am not needed.
My life is here now.
"Ferren?" 99's voice is close, and when I turn, he is squatting next to my seat, my eyes level with his shiny visor.
I touch the side of his helmet where his cheek would be, and he automatically leans in like he's being sucked into my orbit.
"I heard what I needed to." I nod.
He lets out a large sigh and then grasps my chin, stroking his thumb down my lower lip like he wants to kiss me but can't. Before I can kiss the gloved pad, he stands to his full height and holds out a hand for me to come with him.
A wave of relief falls over me, and I know once I leave this room, the strange feeling of needing this closure will fade. My life here will truly start the moment I walk through the archway of this beacon room, a glow of amber light calling me to pass through.
There have been many times in my life when I thought I was happy, when I received short-lived praise from Crixa, when I got a prayer just right, or when Mary looked pleased with my work.
But this does not compare. My actual heart feels warm and my stomach flutters at the sight of 99 reaching out, waiting for me to take his hand so we can go see August, Calliape, and his father.
"Oh! There is one more, appears to have come in early this morning."
I almost break my neck turning to Lee, having completely forgotten he was even in the room with us. His tone is a little more artificial than normal.
