Page 54 of The Cerulean Sister
"It would have to be me," I whisper. "No one is getting hurt because of me. You all risked so much bringing me here."
August's face is grey as he stares seemingly through me, like my whole body is transparent and he sees something terrifying on the other side, until I realize he and 99 are looking at each other.
Shock does not cover the scope of the expression on 99's face. I have to look away from the heartbreak written there, just to be able to take my next breath and really understand the words and plans I am making without even thinking it through completely.
But what else is there to do if they will not help us?
"And what if it goes wrong . . . horribly wrong?" August asks gently.
I look down at my hands as if to see if I can trust them to keep me safe again, if I am strong enough and my gift powerful enough to fight if I need to.
The sound of 99 suddenly standing makes all three of us watch as he places his hand on mine as if to say if anything,hetrusts my light enough and that part of all this there should be no doubt.
A little shocked, I search his face, watching his expression soften. He is trying so hard to push down his rage over the possible outcomes we are discussing.
"I know the emperors may still choose in favor. When we retrieved the stones, we had a secondary plan then, to go up the mountain on foot if the Frithian beacon wasn't working. Please, let's just make a secondary," I beg for my peace of mind.
He takes a large sigh. "You mean more to me than those fucking stones, Ferren. This is not the same."
His gaze on me is so pained, the ache ripples into my own chest.
"Waiting for stuffy emperors to decide if helping me is worth their time and resources . . . it's not right. She's in that temple, 99. She has no idea. I had no idea."
I can feel the gravity of the situation finally closing in on me. It is in the realm of possibilities that help will not be there, that even emperors who are supposed to keep the worlds safe will not see this as a worthy cause.
I have no way of helping her other than putting myself back in the place that almost broke me. They want to do that very thing and call it a ritual. To humiliate me in the name of humbleness and goodness. To have me denounce my life here and the people that I love.
I am selfish for leaving her there, for not reaching out sooner, for thinking she would be ok and safe when I never was.
"Ferren." 99 shakes his head.
"She's there, in the Estate. She came back and I was gone. I left her there!"
He pulls me into his chest, crushing me in a soothing embrace and squeezing the last of my ramblings out of me until I let the tears I was holding back come out to the thought of Leema alone, in a temple with priestesses she does not know, with so much hope and no concept of what horrors have transpired.
"I understand the frenzy in your mind. Trust me when I say I do," 99 soothes.
"I feel helpless just waiting."
He hushes me when my voice cracks. "But that is what I amaskingof you. I beg you to just wait. When I hear you speak like this . . . I cannot. Please, Ferren." His hand is tight at the nape of my neck, pressing me against him.
When I look into his mind's eye, I catch only a glimpse at the depths he is fighting inside his head, his amber light like chains across a door, the darkness behind it like battering ramsslamming into it over and over to be set free. To rage and unleash itself again, smothering out logic and rational thinking.
He knows he is of no service when his dark and intrusive thoughts are so easily about to take over again. He is asking for time for himself and to know of the emperors’ final decision. The battering ram seems to sway his body every time it collides against the giant doors in his mind.
"Please."
I nod into his chest. My heart beats out of rhythm when I think of wasting any time, but in 99's arms, the exposed edges of my nerves are regulated and my muscles lessen their tight restriction.
"Alright, we will wait." I reluctantly nod again, forcing my body to go against my instincts for 99's sake.
I can wait until the final decision is made by the council, but I can't stop thinking how Lord General himself said I should not rely on Viathan to save my sister.
Chapter
Fourteen
The walk to our small apartment is cast in a silence that seems to extend to our surroundings. I hold onto 99's arm and let him guide me, keeping my eyes cast down at my feet, not wanting to meet any friendly faces along the way.
