Page 109 of Code Word
“We’ll have to tell them.”
“Of course, yeah,” I replied. Then it dawned on me. “Did you... did you want to include them?”
He shrugged. “Well, I dunno. I love this, just you and meworking on these. It’s perfect. But I don’t know if it feels wrong not to include them.”
I looked out at the ocean as I chose my next words carefully. “I know we always said it was the five of us. But we’re not those guys anymore. Maddox has been writing songs and working on a lot of different stuff behind the scenes. Did he think to include any of us?”
Luke sighed. “I know . . . I just . . .”
“Don’t feel guilty. Don’t, babe. There’s no guilt, no responsibility. It just is what it is.”
His brows furrowed. “You know that whole production thing Maddox did was a charity thing,” he said quietly.
Yes, I knew that.
But still.
“I know you’re mad at him, and I can understand why. I can,” he said, meeting my eyes. “But this rift between you both is my fault. It’s because of me.”
“No it’s not,” I said. “It’s deeper than that.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. “I’ve been thinking about it. About why I’m so mad at him, and even before he chose to help you over me, all that aside. I think I was mad at him before.”
“What about?”
“For pulling the plug on Atrous.” He was about to argue but I put my hand up. “I know, I know. It’s not his fault. It’s not Jeremy’s fault either. They went through hell. I’m not disputing that. But...”
“But it was Maddox who basically decided we should end it,” he said quietly.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He inhaled deeply and sighed, frowning. “We all decided. We all agreed. We were all so burned-out.”
I kept my eyes on the ocean. Maybe he was right...
“But he was pretty quick to leave us all behind, wasn’t he?” I added quietly, almost embarrassed to say that out loud. “I dunno. That’s not fair either. I just...” I groaned, frustrated. “I just feel like we got shafted. Like he wanted Atrous to end because he was ready to start a new life with Roscoe. And Jeremy had Steve. Wes had Amy, of course, and everyone was moving on and they were happy about it. But I feel like my choice was removed. The whole ‘if one of us wants out, we’re done’ thing was fine in theory. And at the time, I wanted a break too, but then it was all over forever. And none of them seemed to care. They were happy about it.”
“Oh, Blake,” he murmured. He came over to sit on my lounger and take my hand.
“And I know none of this is fair. I know it’s not what actually happened, but it was how I felt. Like Maddox took that from me. That it was his fault, and I had someone I could blame.” I shrugged. “Fuck.”
Luke sighed, kissing my shoulder, but he didn’t say anything.
“Fucking hell,” I mumbled. “I was having the best day of my life. Writing songs with you, being with you. Now I feel like shit.”
“Don’t feel bad,” he murmured. “You’ve done a lot of soul-searching and you’re in a much better place now.”
“Because of you. And music,” I said, searching his eyes. “My god, I’ve missed music so much.”
He put his hand to my face. “You want to take back what was taken from us.”
My gaze fixed on his, my heart stuttering again, but this time not in an overly pleasant way. I sighed and smiled out at the ocean. “I guess the problem when someone knows you so well is that they know you so well.”
He gave my hand another squeeze. “I get it. I get where you’re coming from and why you feel that way.”
I nodded, knowing there was abutcoming. “But what?”
