Page 37 of Code Word
I missed him, yes. I needed him in my life, yes. I loved him, sure. Of course I did. Was I in love with him? Romantically?
I wasn’t sure.
How could I be?
How I felt about him in that moment was mixed up because I was hurting and missing him.
It was all in my head.
Too much in my head.
I needed to not think about him, not rely on him, center my whole freaking world around him, and see what was left in the ruins.
God, I fucking hated this.
I managed to find a parking spot, pulled my baseball cap down low and my hood up to give me as much anonymity as possible.
Not that I got recognized much anymore.
Not that I went out in public much anymore.
The thing about fame, even on a world stage level, is that if you’re not in the spotlight every other minute, people soon forget.
That wasn’t a bad thing.
After all, it was the fame that unraveled us.
The craziness, the burden of it. The strain on our bodies. The pressure, the fans.
The threats. The hate.
It got to the point where we had little choice but to call it quits. All the toxic fan shit aside, we were exhausted, rundown, and stretched far too thin.
Jeremy and Maddox were done, and I didn’t blame them. Well, maybe a little bit. But Wes wanted out—he had a life outside of Atrous—like Jeremy had Steve and Maddox had Roscoe. But Luke and I kinda felt like we really didn’t have a choice.
We’d made a pact years before that if one of us wanted out, we were done. It was five of us or none.
My knee was fucked, and Luke was in physio for a few strain injuries.
It was time.
But now, two years later, I missed it.
I felt a little cheated, if I was being honest.
Did I miss the hordes of fans screaming at us and pushing and trying to stampede to get close to us?
Sometimes.
Like now, when I could walk down Venice Beach and barely get a second look.
The hoodie, cap, and sunglasses did their job, I guess.
But it was a strange detachment, an odd feeling, missing something I used to detest.
The truth was, being forgotten stung.
Being a has-been at the age of twenty-eight was not for the weak. Being cast aside by fans, by media, by my friends, by Luke...
