Page 65 of Code Word
He nodded and made a face, but then my stomach growled. “Hungry?”
“Uh, yeah. I can’t remember the last time I ate.”
Like, literally could not remember.
“You didn’t eat on the plane?”
“Eee. Con. Oh mee, Luke. I flew economy,” I whined. “There was no private jet, no leather seats, no personal attendants, no personal menus or chefs. But there were kids and a smell I can’t begin to describe.”
He laughed. Like, really laughed. Then he rolled off the bed, slapped me on the stomach, and said, “Come on, let’s go eat. Alma is a good cook.”
I got up off the bed. “Who is Alma, by the way?”
“She owns this place. It’s like a homestay-type thing. She lives here, but at the front of the house, and cooks the best food I’ve ever had. She’s really sweet.”
“She lied to me,” I whispered. “Totally pretended she’d never seen you. Lucky I came back to ask a second time. That’s when you turned up.”
“I’d been to the local market,” he said, opening the door. I followed him back down the stairs. “No one knows who I am here. It’s kinda awesome. I don’t know where my phone is. I’ve disconnected from the world, and honestly, I feel good for it.”
“Except the whole leaving me and not telling anyone but Maddox where you went. I almost called the police, reported you as missing.”
He stopped in the barely lit kitchen. “You did?”
“Well, I thought about it. Then I thought maybe I should ask those crazy fans on social media to find you because they’re better at scoping shit out than the FBI.”
“Scoping, stalking. Potayto, potahto.”
I shrugged. “I was desperate. And anyway, they located this beach in the pic fromEntertainment Tonight, so without them, I wouldn’t have known where to start.”
Luke gave me a sad smile. “I am sorry. But I’m really glad you found me.” His eyes met mine, and damn, if he didn’t blush. “I never thought for one second you’d feel the same.”
I put my forehead to his and slid my arms around his waist. “I never thought I would either,” I admitted gently. “Until I realized I did. That I probably always had. That I just thought it was because you were my best friend and I thought best friends loved each other... differently. I don’t even know. I had no idea. I was just living blind and pretending everything was great.”
“When it wasn’t,” he said quietly.
I kissed him softly, then leaned my ass against the kitchen counter and sighed. “No.”
“You said before you’ve realized a lot of things,” he said. It wasn’t a question. Not exactly. He took some containers out of the fridge and began sorting some plates out, giving me time to get my thoughts in order.
“Yeah. The band, the guys, what we were, and what we are now. It’s all so different. We were just kids when Atrous started, and now we’re twenty-eight and Atrous is over, and I don’t recognize anything...” I frowned and looked down at my feet. Fuck this feeling. “I don’t recognize myself.”
Then Luke was in front of me, and with his finger under my chin, he lifted my face. “I get it. I understand. It’s like allthe fame, the concerts in front of eighty thousand people, the craziness of it, it’s like it wasn’t real. None of it was real. It was all an act, a performance, and now that the spotlight’s gone, it’s hard to make sense of it. It seems so long ago,” he said with a shrug. “I almost don’t recognize what’s left.”
I nodded. “Yes! Fuck, I thought it was just me that felt like this. Like, I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I don’t want the crazy bullshit. The protection details, the security, the stupid schedules. I don’t want that, but I feel like music has been taken away from me. And I miss it.”
Luke’s eyes lit up and his hands gripped my arms. “Yes! Same. Fuck. I miss it. I’ve been writing songs and...” His smile died. “Well, they’re mostly songs about heartbreak and unrequited love, but it feels good. I’ve missed music so much. I understand why Atrous had to end. I do. I get it. We were all at a breaking point.”
“But do you kinda feel a bit... I dunno. Like we were cheated out of what we wanted? Because it was Jeremy and Maddox who basically pulled the pin, even though we all agreed. They were done, and so it ended.”
Luke’s eyes met mine, shining in the dim kitchen light, and he nodded. “Yeah.”
I smiled, relieved. I should have known he’d feel the same. I should have fucking known it.
“We made a pact,” he said. “All those years ago. That it was the five of us or none of us. We did the farewell album and the first year off was like heaven. No schedules, no tours, no studios, no practice.” He tugged on the string on the hoodie, his mouth drawing down. “But then after that, it was like I woke up and looked around and there was nothing. Nothing that I recognized, anyway.”
I put my hand to his face, to his cheek, and he leaned into it and closed his eyes. It was instinct to pull him in for a hug, and my god, I’d missed this.
I’d missed him so much.
