Page 103 of Code Word
Trying not to think of you
Midnight in London
Walking in the rain
Hiding the tears falling
Hiding the pain
When you’re in hotel rooms not sleeping
And I’m in city streets walking
Trying not to think of you
What it is you do
When you’re not sleeping and I’m out walking
Trying not to think of you
New York City in winter
Tell me you remember
When you fell asleep, your head on my shoulder
He stopped strumming and let out a teary laugh. “That’s all I’ve got. I can’t finish it without crying.” He laughed again. “Fuck. Do you remember New York? It was so fucking cold, and you had on that big black coat, and you wrapped me up in it?”
“I remember,” I whispered.
His eyes were glassy. “It almost killed me. You were so warm, and you smelled so good. I was so fucking tired, and you held me so tight. But then you left me and went and hooked up with some chick.”
Fuck.
I swung my legs off the lounger, and trying to not use my stupid leg, I scooted over to his chair, collected him up in a hug, and lay back down with him in my arms.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, kissing the top of his head.
“It’s not your fault,” he mumbled. “I have ten years’ worth of these songs, ten years of stories just like that. It’s not your fault if you didn’t know. I was too chickenshit to tell you.”
“You weren’t chickenshit about anything. You were being strong, dealing with all of that on your own. And dealing with being bisexual while Maddox copped all that queer hate, and then Jeremy figured his shit out. You must have felt like you were so alone.”
“I felt like I could never come out, like I could never admit it,” he whispered. “Because of what they went through. I never said anything, and then the longer it went on, the harder it was. I tried to ignore it. I really did. I tried to pretend that part of me didn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters,” I said, holding him a little bit tighter.
“I was drowning in guilt,” he added. “Being with Vanawhen I wassoin love with someone else. And to see you with Becca. I felt like I was losing my mind. And then you and Bec went away together and, I dunno, something in me broke. I lost it. All I could think about was you with her and how it should have been me, if I hadn’t been so fucking scared.”
I squeezed him and kissed his head. “No, baby.”
He laugh-cried. “Then you came back and wanted to take me to the cabins, and my god. I thought I could do it. I thought I could handle it, but...” He groaned as if he felt ill. “Sleeping next to you that night, it almost killed me. God, I was dying inside.”
“See? Dying. Gaunt, pitiful, anddying. I told you it was a thing.”
He snorted, and I pulled back so he was on his back, me on my side so I could see his face. I kissed him softly. “Never again. I’ll never make you cry again. Or feel sad or so bad you feel like you’re drowning. Never, Luke. I swear it. I love you.”
He smiled, teary-eyed. “Happy tears, okay?”
