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His eyes met mine then. “Luke asked me not to tell you, and I thought I was doing the right thing by him. I didn’t realize it was so wrong by you. I never meant to hurt you like that. I had no idea...”
A sad smile tugged at my lips. “To be fair, neither did I.”
He took a deep breath in, then huffed out a laugh and puffed out his cheeks as he sighed. “I was almost sick this morning. I thought you were gonna yell at me again.” He shrugged. “I would have deserved it. I am sorry for how it all played out.”
“You were trying to protect Luke; I know that now,” I said. “How can I be mad at you for that?”
“Yeah, well, I should have told you something when I saw how much you were hurting. To be honest, seeing you that day on the floor with all the photos and stuff, I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to say.”
I sighed then. “Yeah, that wasn’t my shining moment.”
“Jeremy told me you weren’t doing well, but I didn’t know how bad it was. And I should have. I’m sorry.”
“I needed to hit rock bottom before I could see what was in front of me all along.” I leaned against the garden wall and Maddox joined me, sitting side by side. “I guess I was too busy convincing myself that the status quo was my safety net.”
He nodded, his hands pulled into the sleeves of his hoodie. “I think we’re all guilty of doing that.”
“I need to make a lot of changes,” I said. “That safety net I thought I needed feels like it’s suffocating me. I’m selling my place in Malibu. Luke’s gonna sell this house. We’re gonna buy something smaller and moreus. And maybe a place in Mexico.”
He grinned. “You really loved it, huh? We saw all the photos. Still can’t believe you let Luke double you on amoped. Then you singing at the airport; that was freaking cool. You looked so happy.”
“Oh my god, that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. And Mexico just hits different. We can beusthere. No one cares, no one bothers us. It really made me realize that I need to cut away all the bullshit. I need to get back to what matters.”
Maddox’s eyes met mine then, and he smiled, happy for me.
“I feel like I’m ready to make plans,” I added. “These last few years, I’ve just been floating along. No real plans, just... aimless. I guess. I dunno. But now I have ideas. I want to do things, set goals, work on them. I’m ready to work again. Maybe I was burned-out more than I realized. Maybe that’s what it was. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “But I’m excited for music again. I’ve missed it. God, I’ve missed it so much. I didn’t even know how much until Luke started to play his guitar again and write songs, and it was like,yes, this is what was missing. And it’s who I am, who he is.”
Maddox was still smiling, and he looked up at the sky. “I don’t think I’ll ever get that back. Music, yes. I’ll always love it. But I don’t miss what it did to me.”
I nodded because I understood that. “I think that’s what I’m stuck on. I don’t want to deal with the whole corporation, industry bullshit. I just wanna play. Like walk into a bar or a public square and sing the songs Luke and I have written. Hell, free concerts in a park. We could release albums online and not give one single fuck about sales, markets, expectations. Just acoustic stuff like it used to be. Doing what we want to do when we want to do it.” I sighed. “I have a different story to tell now. Who I was in Atrous isn’t who I am anymore.” I made a face. “That’s not true. I’m still me. I dunno. I just feel different.”
“We’re older,” Maddox offered.
I nodded. “I think I kinda resented Atrous coming to anend,” I admitted, and his gaze shot to mine. “Don’t get me wrong, I know it needed to end. We were done, all of us. I know that. I just feel... like it was something we couldn’t control. Even though we did. God, I dunno.” I groaned in frustration at not getting the words right. “We made that promise to each other, all of us or none of us, and...”
“You don’t know what?”
“Like I need to ask you guys permission to sing again.”
Maddox’s eyes went wide. “What? Fuck no, you don’t need permission.”
I laughed. “Okay, so maybe permission wasn’t the right word. Blessing, maybe. I need you guys to say it’s okay to move on?”
“Move on?” he whispered. “Blake. We’ve all moved on. Have you not? Did you not?—”
I shook my head. “Nope. Not really. I think that’s why I was so stuck. Same with Luke. We were just... stuck in neutral. Couldn’t move forward, can’t go back.”
He sighed. “Oh, man.”
“I’m ready to move forward. I need to. I want to start a whole new part of my life with Luke, and I need to put all that shit behind me. I want a normal life, if that’s possible. I know you and Jer talked about that years ago, but I never really understood it. Until now. You know, I’d never even booked plane tickets for myself? Or gone to a grocery store.” I sighed. “I realized a lot of things about myself these last two weeks. Not all of it great. Did you know being a grown-up really sucks?”
Maddox smiled at that. “Yeah. Remember when we wanted to be adults so bad?”
I chuckled. “Yeah. We were fools.” I nodded slowly and gave him a sad smile. “I am sorry for everything. I wasn’t in a good place and I lashed out, and Luke chose you over me, and in hindsight, I can see why that sent me into a nosedive. Because I was in love with him and completely clueless.And I was really alone. I had no one because I didn’t have him.”
“Blake,” he began.
I waved him off. “It’s true, and it’s not anyone’s fault. Adult relationships are hard. When we were in the band, we didn’t have to work at that shit. We saw each other every minute of every day, and then when it was over, we didn’t have that. You and Jer had Roscoe and Steve. Wes is a family man now.” I met his eyes. “We need to put effort in now. I mean it. Make time, call every so often, and have cookouts or whatever, and be involved with whatever’s going on. Because if we don’t, weeks’ll turn into months, then years, and before we know it,Rolling Stonewill be hosting a twenty-year Atrous reunion and none of us will be there because one of us moved to some forest in Sweden and no longer speaks English.”
