Page 29 of Code Word
The last twelve months.
Hell, since Atrous ended.
Since our careers ended, since we split.
Since we’d sang our last song.
“Thanks for the pizza, by the way,” I said. “I needed this. I need to go to the store. Do you think I can get in and out without a whole fan incident in the supermarket? It’s been a while since I’ve tried; maybe it’s not even a problem anymore. Since we sidelined Atrous, that is. Normally Becca does that. Or I get it delivered. Maybe I should get it delivered, but I kinda feel like I need to get out of the house. Not that it feels like my house. Maybe I should redecorate. Or bring some ofmy shit here, I guess. Get it from Luke’s... before he comes back...”
Jeremy’s face twisted and he winced. “Blake . . .”
“And about Becca,” I added. “I need to call her, I know. I actually think I’m gonna tell her we’re done. She deserves better.” Jeremy was about to object but I shook my head. “It’s not a dig at myself. It’s the truth. For both of us. Maybe I deserve better too. I dunno.” Not that I really believed that either, but it felt like the right thing to say. I scrubbed my hand over my face, wondering how I could ask him to leave because being alone was starting to sound really fucking good.
“Maybe I need to be by myself for a while, figure shit out,” I said quietly. “Never really been alone, know what I mean? Not since we were kids. It’s always been the five of us.”
Then it was two.
Now it was one.
I tried to smile for him, but gawd, it felt so wrong on my face.
Jeremy gave me a slow nod. “Okay, I get it. You can be by yourself, but you’re not really alone, Blake. I need you to know that. Any of us are just a phone call away. We can be here in a hot minute, okay?”
I nodded again, not truly believing that either.
Because when he said I wasn’t alone andany of us are just a phone call away,it was excluding one person in particular.
The one person I wanted the most.
I had no clue what to say to Jeremy, truth or lie; I had nothing.
Jeremy clearly had no clue what to say next either. In the end, he sighed. I hated that things were awkward with him, and I’d like to think things were never awkward with him, but I honestly couldn’t remember a time when there wasn’t Luke, Wes, or Maddox, or even Steve or Roscoe, to buffer conversations.
I always had Luke.
And now I didn’t.
Jeremy surprised me by sliding his hand around my neck and pulling me in for a hug. The human contact felt like a blanket and the emotion hit me hard, surprising me even more.
I sucked back a breath and collected myself, blinking back the burning behind my eyes. I pulled back and he kept his hand on the back of my neck before giving my shoulder a squeeze. His eyes looked sad and he frowned. “Do me a favor,” he said.
I couldn’t meet his eyes but managed a nod.
“I just want you to think about what he means to you, that’s all.”
I met his gaze then, about to tell him that I knew what Luke meant to me, but Jeremy let go of me and walked out.
And I stood there, hungover and suddenly queasy, and had to wipe a stupid tear from my face.
Motherfucker.
I didn’t have the stomach for another slice of pizza, so I went back to my liquor cabinet, found a bottle of vodka, and had that instead.
SEVEN
“Blake.”
Someone shook my shoulder.
