Page 34 of Code Word
“God, I’m going to hold your hand when I tell you this.” Her hold on my hand tightened. “Blake, you’re in love with him too.”
I snorted and shook my head, but she wasn’t done.
“He’s your one person. He’s always been your one person. You love him. You’reinlove with him.”
God, why was everyone fixated on this?
“Sure, I love him. But not like that. I’m not gay.”
“You don’t need to be, Blake. Jeez. Neither was Jeremy, remember? Before Steve. He fell in love with the person.”
I sighed and pulled my hand away from hers. “I’m not in love with him.”
She gave me a pitiful, out-of-patience look. “Blake. You need him. You can’t function without him.”
“Well, that’s not true.”
“He broke up with you and you spiraled,” she countered. “He spiraled when you left for a week, broke up with Vana, and what did you do? Cuddled with him on the couch and kissed the top of his head.”
I brushed that off. “I was just being... I dunno. She was pissed that he chose me instead of her and?—”
“And you kissed the top of his head to claim him as yours and not hers.”
“That’s not what... That’s not what I meant.” God fucking dammit. “And he didn’t break up with me.”
Except he did.
Her expression softened. “That ache in your heart is telling you otherwise, isn’t it?”
I shook my head, eyes burning again with more stupid tears. God, I hated this. “He wouldn’t even look at me.”
Becca sagged a little. “Wanna know what I think? I think he’s scared of what this all means. He’s scared of losing you. He could never tell you.”
I remembered his phone call with Vana.You need to tell him before it kills you.That’s what she’d said.
“He can’t be scared of losing me when he’s the one who left.” A stupid fucking tear fell down my cheek. “He left me. He wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t even look at me.”
She took my hand again and gave me another sad smile. “It’s scary and frightening. It’s a big step. But you need to come to grips with it first. Luke already has, and he thinks you’ll reject him and ruin your friendship. And you and I dating made it more complicated. He probably thinks he’s gonna hurt us both, and he’d rather hurt himself than hurt us. Because he’s a dumbass.”
I snorted out a teary laugh. “He’s such a fucking dumbass.”
“That’s why you’re perfect for each other. Two giant dumbasses.”
I laughed and then, for some stupid reason, I cried.
Was I in love with him?
Deep down I knew the answer to that.
Could I live without him? Did I even want to?
“I don’t know what it means,” I mumbled, scrubbing away another tear.
“You don’t know whatwhatmeans?”
Being in love with him.
A him.
