Page 50 of Code Word
Don’t look at me with pity.
Don’t look at the photos.
Don’t look at how much I’d hurt him.
“In here!” Jeremy yelled out the door, to Steve, I assumed. He came in and knelt beside me. “Blake, buddy. What’s going on?”
“I found these,” I said, still trying to scoop up photos and magazine clippings. “On the floor, like this. I didn’t put them here.”
He put his hand on my arm, but I shrugged it off. “This is all my fault,” I sobbed. “No one will tell me where he is, and I know I fucked up. You said I should see why everyone thought we were real, and look.” I shoved a handful of photos at him, the song.
He took the photos, saw the lyrics with my name, shaking his head, looking sad and concerned.
Maybe he should be, because I felt like I was losing my actual fucking mind. I scrubbed at my face again, just as someone else came into the room.
I expected Steve.
And it was. And Roscoe. With Maddox right behind him.
I didn’t want to see him.
He was the last fucking person I wanted to see.
I scoffed and looked away, already feeling the worst I’d ever felt.
“Blake,” Maddox murmured.
I snatched the lyric page from Jeremy. “Don’t fucking speak to me,” I said, my anger surprising everyone but me.
Maddox looked shocked and offended. “I don’t know what I did,” he tried.
“You know where he fucking is,” I yelled. “Why he left me. He’ll talk to you but not to me. Did you tell him to go?”
Then Becca was at the door.
She took one look at me and her face fell. “Oh, Blake,” she whispered, coming in. She kneeled beside me, her gentle hand on my shoulder. “Your mom called me, Blake. She’s really worried.”
I pulled away, burying my face in my hands. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Or him. I didn’t know. I was so fucking stupid.”
“It’s not your fault,” she tried.
“Uh, maybe we—” Maddox began.
I was on my feet in a second, pointing at Maddox, the crumpled lyrics page in my hand. “Maybe you could fuck off. Maybe you can just say it outright. You’ll help him because he’s realized he ain’t as straight as he thought he was, but I’m not worth a second fucking thought. Because why, Maddox? Just fucking say it.”
Roscoe put his hand up, stepping closer. “Okay, how about we all take a second here?”
I tried to take a deep breath but couldn’t quite manage it. “Roscoe, stay out of it. Please.”
I took a step back, trying to breathe. “So some things have been made very fucking clear to me. That I have no one. Not him, not any of you.”
“Blake,” Jeremy tried, eyes glassy. “That’s not true. Of course you do.”
“Then tell me why my whole world is ripped apart and no one gives a fuck?” I yelled. “The person I love most in this world won’t look at me or speak to me. I don’t know where he is.”
“Because he’s in love with you,” Maddox said. “And he’s trying not to be.”
I thumped my chest, tears streaming down my face, my chest tight. “And I love him.”
