Page 61 of Code Word
Like he was a missing part of me.
“I never left you,” he mumbled.
“Yes, you did.”
“Well, I never broke up with you,” he amended.
I held him tighter. “Uh, yes, you did.”
“Breaking up would imply we were together, and...”
He tried to pull back, but I held him steadfast. I didn’t want to look at him while I was sulking. “You left me. You broke up with me. You gave me the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine, which is terrible, by the way. Because itwasme. This whole time, I was the problem.”
He pulled back and this time I let him. His expression was sad and sorry. “No, it wasn’t. It was me. I didn’t want to hurt you or Becca.”
“How long?” I asked. “How long have you . . . you know . . . ?”
“Been tragically in love with my best friend?”
I couldn’t help but smile just a little. “Yeah.”
“Forever.” He shrugged. “I just thought it was teenage hormones. I thought all sixteen-year-olds wanted to fuck their friends.”
I snorted. “Ah, no. Not generally speaking, no.”
“But then girls happened,” he said, almost apologetically. “With you, it wasn’t about the physical stuff. You were my best friend, the one person in our crazy world who was always by my side. Never a doubt, not for a minute.” His smile turned sad. “I knew I loved you... Well, I knew it was actual love when I’d see you with women. Remember in Rio at that bar... God, I felt sick to my stomach because you were with me in the van or backstage—hugging, lying on me, your arm around me—then you’d go hook up with some random woman.”
“But you did too,” I said. “I never suspected a thing.”
He made a tortured face. “I tried to ignore it. Tell myself it was nothing. Try to lose myself in faceless, nameless women. And Vana.” He frowned. “I thought if I tried a serious relationship, it’d be different. I tried to convince myself I was happy and that I didn’t think about you all the damn time, but then you and Becca started dating...”
Oh god.
He shook his head. “I wanted to be happy for you both, but honestly, it fucking killed me.”
“I asked you,” I tried. “I asked you if you were okay with it. If you hadda said no...”
“I wanted you to be happy. And my sister.” He got a little teary then. “I just wanted you both to be happy. I told myself that should be enough, but it was so much worse. I tried to separate myself from that, tell myself you could never love me the way I needed you to. And you’d think after years it’d get easier, but nope. So much fucking worse.”
“Oh, Luke.”
“And then you went away with her, and you’d been away together before—it was no big deal—but oh my fucking god, I couldn’t stand it. It was making me crazy, and I knew something had to give. You took me to the cabins, and it was just us. Like the cure to all my problems was actually killing me inside. And then you asked me to share your bed with you. I woke up and you were there, sound asleep and facing me, and fuck, Blake. Do you know how much that fucking killed me? God.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I needed to put some distance between us to get my head on straight. I was losing my mind. I needed to clear out, take some time. It was the only thing I could think to do. I couldn’t lose your friendship, Blake. It woulda pushed me over the edge.”
“Like me, all this last week. It was a kind of heartbreak like I’d never felt. I didn’t know why you’d just up and leave me. You’d talk to Maddox but not me. I didn’t think for onesecond you’d leave the country. And he knew where you were and never told me. I was losing my damned mind and he never once even tried?—”
“I asked him not to tell you,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Why? Luke, why?”
“I was trying to save our friendship. I didn’t know you felt the same way.”
“I didn’t either,” I admitted stupidly. “Not until I didn’t have you no more, and the thought of you not wanting me almost killed me. Jeremy told me to think about why the world always thought we were together, and I didn’t really understand what he meant. Same with Becca. She was all like, ‘Imma hold your hand while I tell you this, but you’re in love with him,’ and I thought maybe she had a point, but it wasn’t until I saw all those photos, newspaper clippings, and magazines all over the floor.”
He cringed. “I was going to burn them to try and say goodbye to the idea of us, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I left and came here. I’m so sorry, Blake.”
“I sawusin those photos,” I murmured. “How you looked at me. But also how I was looking at you. I never realized. Which sounds stupid, and obviously why Becca called me blind and a dumbass. Because it was one thing to hear that you were in love with me, but it was something else entirely to finally figure out what I feel.” I shrugged. “I could break up with Becca, and it was fine. But you? It fucking killed me. And that song. God, Luke. The song ‘Code Word’?”
He barked out a teary laugh. “I wrote that years ago.”
