Page 70 of Code Word
I snorted. “Oh, it wasn’t cold. Believe me, hot water, a soapy hand?—”
He shoved me again, harder this time. “Shut the fuck up.”
I laughed as I picked up my coffee and took a sip. “I feel much better now, just so you know. And it was the first time I’d ever rubbed one out to fantasies of a guy, so...”
His eyes shot to mine, his cheeks burning red. “Blake.”
I shrugged it off, trying to play it cool. “You weren’t so shy in my fantasy, lemme tell ya.”
He balked for real this time and kinda shied away, and I knew I’d gone too far.
I put my coffee down again and pulled him in for another hug. It was easier to talk when he wasn’t looking at me. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I deal with shit with my terrible sense of humor, you know that. I, um... I’m trying to get my head around everything, and joking is easier than admitting to being scared.”
He relaxed in my arms then and eventually put his arms around me. “Scared, huh?”
“Shitless. That I’ll fuck this up; that you’ll leave me again. That you’ll wake up one day and realize this was a mistake, and then I’ll have nothing and no one.”
He sighed and pulled back, his eyes meeting mine. “I’m scared too.”
“And we shouldn’t be, right?” I asked. “Because it’s us. Because you know me, like no one else will ever know me. This is new, being like this with you is new, but it’s kinda familiar too. We should just be us. No pressure, just the same as we always have been. Best friends, but now we’re best friends with benefits.” I cringed. “Well, if we decide thatbenefitsis what you want. We need to talk about that, I guess.”
He smiled, ducking his face. “I think I would, yes. If you want that, I’m definitely down.”
I snorted. “Hell yes. I wasn’t kidding about the fantasy in the shower.”
He rolled his eyes, but his cheeks flushed. “I don’t want to rush it. I want to do what feels right.”
“Same,” I admitted.
“Were you kidding when you said you asked Becca about what our sex lives might look like?”
“No, I totally asked her.”
He cringed. “I kinda hoped you were joking...”
I shrugged. “I don’t know how these things work. But taking it slow and doing what feels right sounds perfect.”
He smiled then, burying his face in my neck, and he hugged me for a long moment. “Thank you.”
“Whatcha thanking me for?” I asked, kissing the side of his head.
He pulled back. “For talking about this. And you’re right. This is us. Only better. Right?”
“Right.”
“We just have to be us.”
“Yep. Us. But now I can do this,” I said, tilting his chin up so I could press my lips to his.
That shy smile was back. “Yes, you can.”
Then he put his face back into the crook of my neck and my arms went around him so easily. We stayed like that for a long while, and I was content to never move. Looking over the top of his head out to the ocean, the sunshine, the peace. I coulda stayed like that forever.
But then he cleared his throat and pulled away, making a face and looking anywhere but at me. He backed up and turned around, heading for the stairs. “I, uh, I should go take a shower.”
I cottoned on immediately. “Five stars. Totally recommend jerking off.”
He shot me a pissy glare over his shoulder. “Shut the fuck up.”
