Page 12 of Forever Finds Us
Moonlight illuminated my foot path to the cabins. I could’ve taken one of Bax’s ATVs to look again for Natalie, but it probably would’ve woken Stuey up at the main house, and at eight in the evening, I knew he’d already be asleep. Abey was busy with the search, but she and Devo had offered to stay with Stu and Athena while Bax and Bea sneaked off to a nice hotel in Bozeman for a short honeymoon. Devo was on her own tonight, but she was the “fun aunt,” so no doubt the kids were having a good time. But neither of the newlyweds wanted to be away from them too long, so they only meant to stay in Montana overnight. They were planning to take Athena and Stu to Universal Studios and the Florida Keys in the spring to celebrate as a family.
I’d missed their departure when Tab and I met Roxanne and Dan at the Mannings’ cabin, but I hoped Bax and Bea could put the missing girl out of their minds enough to enjoy their wedding night. My brother deserved happiness, and so did Bea. They’d both been through enough heartache.
The night was crisp and quiet, and as I walked, listening to a light wind rush through aspens and twist through pines, the unfamiliar feeling of peace washed over me. It occurred to me I hadn’t felt anything other than discontent on this land in probably twenty-five years or more. My father’s memory used to be a stain on the dirt beneath my feet and a stench in the air.
I’d loved him. Who doesn’t love their dad when they’re a little boy? But before I’d even hit my teens, that love had become inextricably complicated.
The farm became his focus in life, but Lee Family Fleece had never thrived or become a high-earning venture like my father had been sure it would. Our family survived, but we’d never prospered. The constant financial desperation was probably where my drive to operate a successful business had come from. And after I left home, taking classes at night while I worked on a crew during the day hadn’t felt like a sacrifice to me. I’d been hungry for it. And once I’d had a small taste of success, it drove me harder.
As a kid, I watched as my father worked day in and day out, making less money each year and taking his frustration out on the people around him, the people who loved him the most. Emotionally, his affection had been tied to his children’s ability to work and produce for him. And when that didn’t happen, his love disappeared.
I’d turned inward. Became quiet as I watched all the things he did wrong, marking them down mentally and saving the knowledge for later.
As I walked, I kicked a rock in my path, chased it with my flashlight, and watched it skitter down the dirt lane, and I let the truth sink into the moment. The truth was that I owed my father. I hated to admit it to myself, but if he hadn’t failed so epically, I wouldn’t have learned how to be a good businessman.
The family shit that came later with my little sister, when she realized she was gay and how it turned our father into a raging, intolerant asshole, only made me more determined to prove him wrong in all the ways of the world.
It felt now like I’d been successful. I’d just sold part of my business for millions more than my father had ever seen in his life. My debts were paid, plans were in place to build on my success, but my heart felt heavy.
I felt empty.
Whatever it was I’d been missing, I didn’t want it to fester.
I didn’t want it to turn me into my father.
It made no sense to me. My family had come back together, minus Dixon, but the rest of us had made it back to our land and were working together, free from the constant berating we’d grown up with. Athena and Stuey and even Merv filled the days with laughter and warmth, but something was still lacking in my life.
I’d had no clue what the missing puzzle piece was until today. Until I watched Bax marry Bea and saw the way they looked at each other and the way they were always touching. I didn’t think they even realized it sometimes, but it was like their bodies and hearts had been magnetized toward the other person at a soul level. When one moved, the other reacted.
Their connection was tight and seemed unbreakable, and unlike my parents, Bax and Bea communicated. They discussed everything, made decisions and plans together. Each had their strengths, sure, but they only served to make the couple stronger together.
It was admirable. Something to aspire to, but I hadn’t aspired to anything other than distance from my father’s subjugation and professional success since I was seventeen years old.
Thinking about that, about what it would mean for me to let someone into my life in an intimate way, led me back to thoughts of Deputy Roxanne.
The cabins stood ahead of me. My eyes scanned the darkness for Natalie, but I kicked more rocks like I was trying to kick thoughts of the beautiful deputy away. I bent to tear tall grass from the side of the path for no reason, like I was seven years old again, and when I straightened, suddenly she was there.
Roxanne.
I shined my flashlight near her body. “Deputy? I didn’t know you’d come back.” Had she caught my juvenile display of longing and dissatisfaction? “You startled me.”
“Sorry ’bout that,” she said.
“Is there news? Did they find Natalie?”
“No. Not yet.” Slipping her hands in her pants pockets, she sighed and twisted her lips, but again I noticed her fingers tapping the side of her thigh three times beneath the fabric.
I nodded to her uniform. “Still on duty?”
“No. I’m off the clock, but I’m gonna head up to the search area, lend a hand. I wanted to check here one last time, though, just in case, but there’s no one in the cabin.”
“Me too. I mean, that’s why I’m here too.”
She nodded and held the key out to me that I’d given her earlier in the day. “Sorry,” she said. “I meant to give that back to you this afternoon.”
“Thank you, but no apology necessary. I would’ve gotten it back one way or another. If you’re headed up to search, may I accompany you? Since you’re off duty, is that permitted?”
“Um, okay. I guess it couldn’t hurt to have another set of eyes. Are you sure though? We might get into some deep backcountry up there.”
