Page 94 of Forever Finds Us
Understanding dawned in her eyes, and she nodded.
“I need to sweep someone off her feet.”
“Better pack a sweater then,” she said. “There’s a big winter storm predicted across the Rockies for Christmas.”
“Yes, ma’am, but ain’t no storm gettin’ in my way.”
We flew from the private air strip in Jackson on the same plane Roxanne and I had taken to California. I owed my buddy, Mason, for the use of his jet, and I knew he’d come to collect at some point.
When we touched down in Oklahoma City, Merv and I headed straight for a rental car company in the small regional airport, grabbed a car, and then I dropped Merv at our hotel’s spa while I made my preparations.
A friend of Evan Moran’s from back in his rodeo days lived south of the city on a horse ranch. The guy, Billy Wilson, agreed to transport two of his draft horses into Choctaw with an old-fashioned sleigh. I spent the afternoon decorating it with Christmas lights, and I stocked it with whiskey and champagne and blankets. Billy said he’d stay close in case I needed him, but Evan told him I had experience with horses, so Billy agreed to let me loose on my own.
I didn’t let on that my experience with horses didn’t quite extend to recent times, nor did I tell the man that I’d never been around a draft horse. The animals were huge! But the two mares he’d transported up in a trailer seemed docile enough, and he said they had been trained to work around city traffic.
When the sleigh was ready and the horses had been fed and watered and were hitched and itching to get going, I lifted the reins and kissed the air twice, and they walked on, out of the deserted city park I’d used to prepare.
It was only a mile to Roxanne’s parents’ house, and I spent that long mile trying to slow my racing heart and practice in my head what I wanted to say to her.
Merv sat next to me, her hair shiny and her skin glowing from her spa treatments. I’d called the hotel manager and asked her to drive my mama out to Choctaw so she could be a part of this with Roxanne and me.
I had no idea what I’d do if Roxanne said no the question I planned to ask her. Merv was there to pick me up off the floor if she did.
Roxanne was it for me. She was everything.
Merv was over the moon about being included in my life, and the hotel manager had been happy to drive her, especially when I tipped her probably the equivalent of a month’s salary and wished her happy holidays before she drove back to work.
“Are you nervous, son?” Merv asked as she rubbed her hands together.
Christmas Eve in Choctaw was a crisp thirty-four degrees and dropping at eight p.m. When we landed in OK City, the temperature hovered in the mid-forties, but snow was expected tonight, and I hoped for it. Snow would make everything perfect with the twinkling lights and Christmas decorations smattered everywhere through town.
Roxanne’s parents’ middle-class neighborhood had been decked to the nines, and a huge blow-up Santa waved at us from someone’s front yard as I guided the horses onto Forest Cove Road. Traffic was non-existent. Everyone was home with family and loved ones, celebrating the holiday.
“Yes,” I answered. “I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been in my life. I feel like I might be sick. If she says no…”
“She won’t. How could she? You love each other. I don’t have to know what happened or what you said to upset her, but you just say you’re sorry and tell her all the ways you love her, and she’ll say yes.”
Merv nodded to herself, trying to convince us both she was right. I hoped like hell she was.
“I asked Roxanne to keep Dixon’s secrets for me. She said no and she broke up with me.”
Merv harrumphed a laugh. “I knew I liked her.”
“I’m sorry he didn’t keep his word, Mama. I really thought he would this time. But now I know that it has nothin’ to do with me or you or anybody else. If Dixon ever comes home, it will be because he’s ready and because he wants it, not because we do.”
The Coulters had called me back to ask if we’d heard from Dixon. He’d taken off from Mad River without a word. No one in town or at his NA group had heard from him, and he’d skipped out on his weekly therapy sessions. Brenda had wished us a happy holiday and said she had faith Dixon was on his way home to us, that maybe he had gotten waylaid, but she knew in her heart we’d see him again.
But I knew he had run just like every time in the past when things got too hard. I had no way of knowing if he was using, but if he was, it had no bearing on my life anymore.
He had been right that his decisions were his alone and that I shouldn’t feel guilt or shame about them. I’d done everything I knew to help my brother. If he ever came to terms with his demons, he could come home. His family would always be there, waiting to welcome him back.
“Here we go,” I said as I pulled the horses to a stop in front of the second house on the right. The mid-century brick home had a long curved driveway, great for the horses, but I could see the cracks needing to be filled in and resealed.
“Wait, Brand,” Merv said before I disembarked. She held onto my forearm with a strength that would rival a pro ball player’s grip on his bat. “I never said thank you. You’re right about Dixon, and I’m learnin’ to live with the choices your brother has made.
“Dr. Tammy says I have to move on. I can’t stop livin’ just because one of my sons is sick. When she said it like that, it made sense. If you or Bax or Abey had an illness, I wouldn’t stop livin’. Why should addiction be any different? But I know how hard you tried to help Dixon, and I’m grateful. I know you didn’t do it for me, but I’m still proud of you and grateful for your generosity.”
“Thank you, Mama. But you’re wrong, it was for you. Part of it anyway. I’m just sorry nothin’ I did for him worked. But you and Dr. Tammy are right. It’s time we move on. It’s time we live. It’s time all that pain from our past takes a backseat to happiness.”
