Page 69 of Forever Finds Us
Draping the belt over the arm of the couch, I sat up and lifted her mouth off me with my finger under her chin.
Her eyes flashed with uncertainty and confusion. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“You said you’d give me what I need.”
“Anything,” she said. “Tell me.”
Without speaking, I slipped my hands beneath her arms and lifted her off the floor. I sat her next to me on the couch and then stood and took off my shirt. She watched me unbutton it slowly, her eyes darting back and forth between the nervous look on my face and my chest as I revealed it to her.
“Brand?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t speak. I had no clue what to say except that I wanted her to hurt me. I wanted her to make me pay for all the secrets I’d been carrying around like a fucking disease. I needed someone to punish me for leaving my brother with a monster all those years ago.
When I knelt in front of the couch and handed her the belt, she didn’t speak, but I knew the change in my demeanor and the begging in my eyes were probably confusing her.
“Please, Roxanne? I need this.”
“Why?” she whispered.
Dropping my head and letting it hang over her couch, I said, “I don’t know how to explain, but I love you and I trust you, and I need you to do this to me.”
Her silence told me she’d heard me tell her I loved her.
I did. I had no clue how it happened so quickly, but it had. I’d fallen so fucking in love with her I could barely see straight, but this nagging, pulling guilt in my core wouldn’t let me free. I needed her to release it so I could laugh with her and love her.
“Please?”
Wordlessly, she stood, and she moved to my side and angled her body. The leather zipped through the air when she lifted the belt, but when she let her arm fall, I barely felt it.
“Harder.”
“Brand, what’s happenin’ right now?”
“Harder. Please.”
“No,” she said resolutely. She let the belt drop from her fingers, and she knelt next to me and wrapped me up in her arms. “Talk to me. What’s goin’ on with you tonight? Please, baby, tell me.” She held me, and it felt better than the belt or sex or anything. “I love you too, but I don’t want you to hurt.”
Finally, when I thought I could talk without blubbering, I rose up on my knees and sat back on my heels.
“I lied.”
“To me?” She searched my face, her eyes roaming and trying to find the answer.
“To everyone.”
She was uneasy when she asked, “About?”
“A lot of things. And I have so much guilt. So much fuckin’ guilt, Roxanne.”
“Because you lied?”
“Yes. No. I mean, yes but I’m guilty of more than lyin’.”
She waited. Didn’t push me.
I turned toward her, and we faced each other, both of us still kneeling on the floor. She held my hands while I talked.
“When we were kids, teenagers, my father used to whip my little brother. I don’t think Abey ever knew. Until she was fifteen years old, she was my father’s princess. Nothing bad ever touched her. Bax was the oldest, and he was well suited for farm life. I was… not so much. But I was strong, and I did what our father wanted.
