Page 48 of Revelry
“I do,” I nod, thinking back to Halloween when Gertrude hollowed out the pumpkin for me like she knew I couldn’t handle it. It had embarrassed me that I needed her to do it, but it would have been more embarrassing if I’d done it myself and then spiraled in a bar full of people.
Almost as bad as spiraling in the kitchen in front of her.
“What would you do if you had children?” Neil asked gently.
I froze. I had stopped thinking about the possibility of ever having a family because my issues would just make it impossible. I was convinced I’d make a terrible father and I hadn’t had a decent example of what a father should be like. The closest I could think was Tony.
“That’s not something I need to worry about,” I rasped, my voice struggling to get the words out.
“Because you don’t want children or because you don’t think you could cope with them?”
“The first one,” I lied.
One corner of Neil’s mouth kicked up. “I see we’re not past thelying to each otherphase of our relationship.”
I blinked. “Are you a wizard?”How did he know?
He laughed again. “No, you’re just not that great at hiding your true feelings, even if you think you are. But fine, let’s keep pretending it’s because you don’t want them. I will say though, that being a parent forces you to confront things in a way that would probably help you. Because there’s now something more important than howyoufeel.”
“Tell my father that.” Bitterness dripped from my tone.
“Did his children look happy?”
The words twisted my gut. Raked over old wounds until my vision blurred. “Yes.”
There was a pause. Then Neil said, “I’m sorry this happened to you, truly. Do you think you could ever forgive him? Then you would be able to build a relationship with your family, as you have no one, Tate. It must be hard not having anyone. And it sounds like he’s looking for some connection with you.”
I shook my head sharply, a tear dropping onto my knee.
“Okay then. So, let’s keep going.”
We spent the next hour picking over every trigger and ritual I had and built the exposure hierarchy. Everything from Harriet’s annoying gum-popping, to the TV or radio volume being on an even number, to untidy magazines in Neil’s office. We built all the way up to the top end, the scary end which included heights, mess, and my father.
I promised Neil I’d start tackling them and update him when I overcame something,ifI overcame it. I could try with the easier stuff, but how I would ever get to the top end, I didn’t know.
Chapter Thirteen
Gertie
It had been three weeks since the Halloween incident and I hadn’t heard from Tate.
Not only that but I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about our kiss. It constantly replayed in my head like a film reel, highlighting all the best bits. His insistent mouth, demanding I give over to him and let him ravage me. He wasn’t gentle. He was firm and commanding and didn’t treat me like a delicate flower. The moves he made and words he spoke felt like they were out of my greatest fantasies. Only it was real…and it hadn’t lasted.
I was so confused about him. He was my complete opposite, gruff and grumpy, zero social skills or even a desire to be sociable. But when I think of the sad upbringing he’d had, it kind of made sense. In a way, he’d lost both of his parents at such a young age. The guilt he was feeling over his mother’s death and his OCD plaguing him was a lot for anyone to handle. I wasn’t surprised he didn’t want friends, he probably didn’t trust anyone after his father’s deceit.
He’d had such a shitty role model in his father, lying and cheating, abandoning his family. Then his mother’s co-dependency must have ruined Tate’s teenage years. No wonder he had a stick up his ass. And now I felt guilty for ever saying he had. For goading him and pushing him out of his comfort zone.
But shouldn’t someone?
Yes, he’d had a tough time but he deserved happiness, joy and fun. He’d earned it. And maybe it was my job to bring it to him. Maybe that was why I was back in town after all theseyears? Okay, sure I had run away from Gary but maybe there was something larger at work here.The powers that be…
The only problem was, I’d gotten too close. I’d seen too much, gone too far, and Tate had pushed back. Maybe I needed to smush my kind of fun and Tate’s kind of fun together and see where we ended up.
Or maybe it was all for the best. I was already fantasizing about Tate regularly, which had now grown tenfold after our little make out session. This wasn’t what I wanted; it wasn’t what I needed. I was free of men, especiallychallengingmen and I was happy with that. Which is why it was probably a good thing that Tate was ignoring me anyway.
I opened up our WhatsApp history and saw all the messages I’d sent over the last three weeks that had been ignored. He hadn’t even read them, those little ticks remained gray instead of blue. I’d tried to grab his attention when he came home from work but he ignored me, just went inside his house and then I heard mournful classical piano music all evening. Okay mournful is a stretch; it was beautiful, soulful and full of anguish. Some nights, I just lay there and listened, falling asleep to the music. The fact that I knew he was playing it himself was even more endearing.
Today though, was Thanksgiving. I’d already tried inviting him to Kat’s family dinner but he’d not read the messages. I knew he was needed at the ranch today, apparently vets and ranchers didn’t care that it was Thanksgiving, shit still needed doing.
