Page 122 of Revelry
A shiver trekked my spine. “Made you promise what?”
He looked away, not wanting to reveal his secrets but then I think he just decided enough was enough, we’d all been hurting too long.
“She threatened to take you and move away, to get sole custody. I’d had an affair, had another child on the way. I was scared that those things would be used against me and I’d lose you. Like I said, I was young and naïve, I didn’t know if that was true and I was too scared to find out.”
I shook my head, covering my mouth. “No. She wouldn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Tate, she did.” He reached for me again, palms out in surrender and gently touched my arm. “I was exhausted. Now I look back and see all the things I could have done better but I felt beaten down. She wasn’t like that when I first met her, but over the years she changed, and it was too late for me. She threatened to hurt herself if I stayed out too long, or if I looked at another woman. I didn’t understand why and didn’t try to get her the help she needed. But something about our separation broke her and I could see it in her eyes.” His other hand came up to grip my arm until he was facing me, holding me tight.
“I was terrified of what she would do and I couldn’t be the reason you lost your mother. So I promised her I would stay away, that she could have you all to herself. And when you were older, I would come back to you. I only had to wait another year or two. It was agony but I did it, only then…” he trailed off.
“I didn’t want to see you,” I finished, remembering the day he turned up. The way I screamed at him that I never wanted to see him again. A tear trickled down my cheek now at the memory and he blurred before me. He continued talking but my mind drifted away to all the times Mama had threatened to hurt herself, until one day it wasn’t a threat anymore.
“What happened, you said she…” He couldn’t finish his words but I nodded, then he collapsed into me.
“She did it. She always said she would, and she did. When I left for university.” My words were muffled against his sweater.
“I’m sorry Tate, I’m so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I really thought I was, I swear,” he pleaded.
My throat had a boulder lodged in it and I couldn’t speak anymore, just nodded as we gripped each other tight. We hugged for a long time, for the years we’d missed. There was silence and then it was broken.
“Dad?”
I glanced up and my half-brother, Jake, was peering at us from the kitchen doorway, rubbing his eyes. I looked at his face, so similar to mine. How I’d resented him when he’d never done anything wrong. I’d kept us apart. Kept away myfamily.
Breaking away from my father, I went to Jake. His eyes widened and he started to speak but I cut him off and tugged him to me, gripping him tight in a fierce embrace. I felt him shake against me, then my dad’s arms enveloped us both.
I’m not sure who kept sayingI’m sorrybut eventually oursorrysall blended into one.
Then Gertrude was ushering us to the table and making hot cocoa while we just stared at each other in silence, wiping our tears. Once Gertrude placed the cocoa in front of me, she went to take a seat, but I gripped her hip and pulled her to me. I needed her close. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. However,when she wound her arm around my shoulders and leaned into me, peace flooded me.
My father broke the silence. “I want to be a family again, if you’ll let me. I gave you space, not wanting to push you and only praying that one day you would turn up at my door. I stopped praying when my Katie passed away.”
Jake sniffled at that, and Dad squeezed his shoulder in comfort. Shame rushed me when I realized what they’d been through and who Katie was. He’d lost both his wives and the mothers of his children. And Jake had lost his mom too. I’d been holding onto all my rage and resentment when they were going through something traumatic that I could have supported them through.
I shook my head. “No more. I can’t do this anymore.”
My dad looked away, nodding and biting his lip. “I understand. We’ll leave you alone, won’t bother you again, if that’s what you want.”
I realized he thought I didn’t want to see them again. That I hadn’t forgiven him. I don’t think I had yet, but I was willing to work on it.
“No, I mean, I can’t do this separation anymore. I want the same, to be a family again.”
My dad’s head shot up and a slow smile split Jake’s lips.
“You mean it?” he asked, his eyes eager.
“I think it might take some time, but yeah,” I glanced up at Gertrude, my rock, my love and I knew I could do anything with her by my side, even if she was my friend and not my lover. “I want to do this.”
“Well shit,” my dad choked out and burst into tears again.
“Oh God, I can’t cope anymore,” Gertrude cried and nudged herself between him and Jake and wrapped her arms around them. I laughed, loving her big heart and need to comfortsomeone in distress. It was a beautiful trait and I was glad my girl had it in spades.
We made plans to take it slow, we didn’t want to rush and push each other for too much too soon. A coffee date, simple, easy and not too intimidating.
Then Gertrude and I were leaving, getting in my car. I looked over at her as she clicked her seatbelt into place, and I couldn’t go another second without telling her again how I felt.
Chapter Thirty-Five
