Page 54 of Memory of Murder
Chapter Nineteen
Journal Entry
Thirty Years Ago
October 1
Neil died on the Saturday before Labor Day.
I cried nearly every waking hour for days. I didn’t know how I could go on.
Somehow they had decided to fast-track the trial, and it would begin in a few weeks. I asked my court-appointed attorney to get word to Neil’s father that I was innocent. But he either did not or Mr. Reed didn’t believe me. I was sure he was devastated too. Especially after Mrs. Reed’s heart attack. It was all completely unbelievable.
My world had fallen to pieces.
Neil was gone.
I couldn’t imagine that anyone really believed I murdered him…but they did. I sat in that jail cell—without bond—because they believed it. The detective, even my own attorney, looked at me as if I was evil.
I spent most of my time with both arms wrapped around my belly and you and wondered what on earth would become of you. I realized that if the trial began as scheduled, I would be in prison months before you were born. I was so scared for you. Neil’s father wouldn’t talk to me, so how could I convince him to take care of you?
The weeks passed and the trial commenced and no one believed me. They didn’t even hear me. They merely looked at me and saw evil.
A social worker came to see me to discuss my signing over rights to you, but I refused. How could I willingly do that? I so hoped if I waited things would turn around. I would not lose you unless I had no other choice. You are my child—my only remaining part of Neil. You have my word that I tried everything possible to take care of you—to be your mother.
When the worst happened, I prayed that Mr. Reed would come through. I was sure he hated me. Who wouldn’t under the circumstances? If he believed I killed his son—his only child—how could he feel anything else? But he shouldn’t hate you. You were as much Neil’s as mine.
I remember telling Neil that after you were born his father would likely be more involved in our lives, but he didn’t think so. He said his father had always kept him at arm’s length. I can’t say that I found him particularly nice to me. I always assumed he thought I wasn’t good enough for his only son. Perhaps he was simply busy with all his real estate holdings. Whatever the case, I was alone.
I had never felt so helpless in my life.
But I had to be strong. I had to somehow make them see that I would never have hurt Neil. I loved him with every part of my being.
All these years later, you, of course, know what happened. I wish I could give you the answer to why it happened the way it did and the identity of who hurt your father…but I honestly don’t know. I only know that I came home and found him shot and dying. He tried to talk but no words came, and then he was gone.
I am sure he would have told me how much he loved both of us if he had been able to say the words. But those words weren’tnecessary. I knew without a doubt how much he loved me, just as I loved him. Still do. And we both desperately loved you. Still do.
I am sorrier than you will ever know that you came into this world with so much against you already. That is my biggest regret.
Be strong and always know that you were wanted and loved deeply.
And if somehow this journal helps you find the truth, I am glad for you. I have no regrets about the choices I have made. If I could start over, I would follow the same path to the man I loved with all my heart.
Be safe, dear daughter. I have always loved you.
Chapter Twenty
Johnsburg
Fairlawn Drive, 10:00 p.m.
The house was dark.
Jack saw no other vehicles. He eased to the side of the street opposite the house Mary and Neil had shared.
He shut off the engine, and the headlights went out.
“I don’t see her snazzy red car.”
