Page 20 of For All It's Worth
Unfortunately, Max had been with someone at that point, even if I had been able to clearly see my feelings. The guy’s name escaped me, and I was too messed up when he was single again to do anything about it.
Just thinking back on that time and all the support that Max had given me struck me hard. That what I’d been looking for, I could have found in Max. He was the only person that really allowed me to be myself. That just a second of his attention was worth days of anyone else’s.
Of course, when Evan asked the question, he’d knocked me off-kilter and I’d spent half the session dwelling on it. He’d wrapped up with going over what we’d covered and asked me to think about my relationship with Max as “homework.”
The guy was a great therapist, much better than the first one I’d been handed over to in rehab (not that they lasted long), but I hated the tasks he would set me. Still, after a few disappointing sessions in rehab, I’d gotten Evan to agree to do a once-a-week sit-in with another therapist. One that didn’t make me want to escape and hit up Vegas on a bender just to forget the sound of their voice. We all got much more out of it then, and it helped not to have to go over everything again when I was released back into Evan’s care.
Over the next hour, as I walked to Henry’s gym, the words ran through my head on repeat.
When had I fallen in love with him?Was it when Max stood by me even when I was making things fall down around me? Was it when I noticed he was missing that night I’d left him and panic clawed at me until I knew he was safely passed out in his bed? Put there by my brother, no less.
That was when I knew that he was more important than anything else in my life, but I didn’t know what to do with that information. I was stuck in a cycle and couldn’t see a way out.
I was pretty sure that if Evan hadn’t asked me that question, I wouldn’t have picked up on the fact that I’d been in love with my best friend since I’d met him.
