Page 63 of For All It's Worth
Chapter Twenty Six
Max
I’mnotgoingtoself-sabotage this. I’m not giving him up. He’ll get it.
Although I repeated this mantra over and over, there were still lingering doubts in my mind. If Charlie didn’t accept this part of me, if he couldn’t help me get over the feelings that I was often left with after sex, then we were doomed to go the way that all my other relationships went.
Down the toilet.
Taking a fresh cloth, I worked the astringent cleanser over the surfaces of the already gleaming kitchen. The bathroom that I shared with my roommate was sparkling after getting the same treatment earlier.
It soothed me to go about performing these tasks even though they really didn’t need to be done. The actions of the routine settled my mind and the knowledge that everything was clean as a whistle squashed some of the panic.
Charlie was due any second and we would have to talk about what happened after our last date. I owed him an explanation at the very least. If he didn’t want to date me after I’d laid it all out for him, then hopefully we could salvage our friendship.
A knock came from the door and I went to let him in. It took a second, his hesitation making him question if he should, but he leaned down to hug me and planted a kiss on my lips.
So far so good if he was still affectionate after last night’s abrupt ending.
I trailed him to the sofa and sat at an angle to him so I could watch his expressions.
“You had something you wanted to discuss?” he asked nervously.
“Relax, I’m not breaking up with you.” I attempted to joke with him but it didn’t quite land properly and he flinched before slumping back.
“Thank fuck for that. Jesus, Max! After last night, I was sure I’d done something.”
It was then that I noticed the dark shadows under his eyes, his generally rumpled appearance, and realized that he’d probably slept as little as I had. Work had been a great distraction but I’d slept terribly.
“You look about as good as I feel,” I said, rubbing his leg. I needed to touch him to reassure myself that he was here and willing to listen. “I, uh, have a few issues.”
He shot me a look, a soft one that said, “duh,” and I couldn’t help my smile.
“I know that you know about the cleaning.” He looked around the small apartment and frowned. “I freaked out a little after last night. I guess….I guess I’m worried that you wouldn’t accept all of me.”
“Max…”
“Just listen a minute, okay? I need to get this out,” I cut in. If I didn’t do this now, it would fester between us.
“The reason I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long is that they don’t want to stay after they pick up on how weird I am.”
“You’re not weird!” Charlie interrupted, looking upset on my behalf and I couldn’t help but lean in and kiss him briefly.
“I am, but that’s okay. You can decide how weird after I tell you what I need to tell you.” Charlie settled back on the sofa and looked at me to continue. “I struggle with sex because I don’t like how…messy it gets. Hookups are easy because I can get a guy to wear a condom for blow jobs but a boyfriend doesn’t want to do that for long.” I assess his response and pause to let him speak.
“So you might never be comfortable with it when it comes to us?”
“I’m not sure.” I paused to think for a second. “Look, how do I put this without offending you?” The moment stretched between us. “Um…when you were drinking…we have no idea how safe you were.” He looked ready to interject, so I continued “and I know you were tested, but it hasn’t been six months yet.”
Charlie dropped back again. “Fair point, so would it be until after the six months and re-testing? Or would you want to see how you felt after?”
My mouth dropped open. “That doesn’t bother you?”
He considered for a second and then shrugged, “It’s reasonable. Safe. Why would that be an issue? It’s not like you’re asking me to scrub down with bleach or anything before we touch.” Another shrug. “Honestly, you have a point.” There was a pause. “Not that it doesn’t sting, the idea that I might have been reckless and picked something up.”
Charlie’s face blanched then. “Shit! Sorry, Max. I didn’t mean anything by it.” He reached out to me and I let him take my hand, knowing that he hadn’t meant anything by that throwaway remark.
“I know. That’s why, though. After I caught chlamydia from Jared the whole thing stuck with me. I just can’t feel clean at times. I know it’s irrational because I was treated and I’m fine but…”
