Page 11 of For All It's Worth
Andy was a breath of fresh air, breathing life back into our damaged family. Helena and Ethan had never been like this, which is how I knew this was the real deal for Will.
Over the day I made an effort to get to know Andy instead of being an asshole like usual. It was difficult to get a chance to speak to him; Andy drew people to him, but when we got a quiet moment I made a point to draw him into conversation. I listened to stories of him growing up, and I envied his close bond with his twin. Andy had me laughing at things he told me about when he’d met Will and I could picture them easily. Eventually, his mood shifted and he withdrew into himself. He admitted that the loss of their mom made Christmas hard for him and Abby.
My petty jealousy vanished immediately when Andy quietly asked, “Could we light a candle for my mom? We do that every year.” He glanced at his sister, who gave him a little nod.
“You do it this year,” she said, equally quiet, as if not wanting to intrude on the moment.
Mom’s eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “Of course, sweetheart. I think I have just the one here.” We waited a moment as she looked through the present bags she’d tucked in a corner of the room, far from the chaos of all the gifts that Joe had received. Returning with a beautiful multi-colored jar candle and a soft smile on her lips, she handed it to Andy. “Is this okay?”
“It’s perfect, thank you. Are you sure it’s okay?”
Will appeared at his elbow with matches and he shared a look with Mom. “It is. Here, love.”
Andy lit the candle with a soft, “Thinking of you. Mom.” It occurred to me that his whole family was in the room with us, even though that was just Abby and Josh. I could stand to be less selfish and share mine with him. I had a feeling he’d be joining my family officially at some point in the near future.
In my room, I’d found my digital SLR camera discarded on a shelf at the start of my forced stay at home, and had started playing around with it again for something to pass the hours. I’d taken a photography course in college and it all came flooding back, so I had taken it with me to Alex’s and offered to capture the day for everyone, much to Mom’s appreciation. Her eyes had filled with tears at my quiet offering. I needed to make the effort to do better, to be better for her if something so small could make her so happy.
Preferring the honesty of candid shots, I lurked and watched everyone celebrate while getting some great pictures of them. It felt good to be useful for a change, and it kept me out of conversations.
Hiding out in the kitchen after dinner, I made myself useful by cleaning up the detritus of the massive meal we’d consumed while the others chatted in the large living room. Needing something to do and feeling restless, the usual feeling of wanting to escape came over me. When Will came in, an intent look on his face, I knew there was no skipping out on this conversation. Though I didn’t want to, it was past time that he and I cleared the air.
“Look,” he said firmly, resting against the kitchen counter with his arms folded across his chest. “I don’t want to talk about everything that happened. There’s no changing the past and you’ve said that you’re sorry, so it’s done.”
“Still though, I am sorry.” I put the last plate in the dishwasher and set about switching the appliance on. Shame over my past behavior made me avoid Will’s eyes. “Ethan was a dick and you deserved better. It wasn’t just me he was with, there were at least two other guys. Did you know that?”
As the words registered, I realized that he hadn’t known.
“Seriously?” Will’s face said that he didn’t believe me.
“I’m not just saying that to make it sound like I didn’t do anything wrong. I should have told you when I found out he was seeing other people. Instead, well, you know what happened.”
Will looked green and I rushed to get him a glass of water and stood to the side while he drank it and processed what I’d told him.
“I’m so sorry, Will. It’s inexcusable, what I did, especially after Helena.”
He flinched at the reminder, but I noticed that he wasn’t reacting as strongly as I’d expected to. The emotions were hollow. He was shocked but not devastated over what I’d told him.
After finishing the glass, he handed it to me to set by the sink for the next dishwasher load.
“I’m sorry, too. I let you down, not seeing that maybe you needed someone. Then after it all happened..” His color was returning, anger causing heat to rise on his cheeks. “Not letting you explain even when you tried. I pushed you away instead of seeing that. Punished you, since I couldn’t do anything about Alex and Helena.” He paused and flushed further, this time with embarrassment. Rubbing the back of his neck nervously, he continued, “Sorry, since you ended up in the hospital I’ve been talking to my therapist about everything. There was a lot to process.”
I wanted to make some sarcastic comment about therapy, but Will was the happiest that I’d ever seen him, so who was I to mock him? He had his shit together and I was being packed off to rehab to save my clubs, my relationships, and likely my life. Plus, I had my own therapist now, so I had no room to talk shit.
Thinking about my businesses soured my mood. Although I’d been cut off from the world, somehow the developer that’d been hounding me managed to call me after I’d ignored his emails.
I pushed that aside to concentrate on what Will was saying and cut in, “Still though, it doesn’t excuse what happened. But if you’re willing to draw a line under it, then we could just not talk about it anymore.”
“I can do that,” he said with a contented smile on his face. “It’s not like I have any feelings for Ethan now.”
Giving a significant glance in the direction of Andy, who was sitting next to Matty with Joe on his knee, I said, “Nope, you’ve got someone so much better.”
“You like him?” Will didn’t seem concerned about my opinion, but unthreatened, like he was completely sure of how Andy felt about him.
“For you, yeah. He just seems to fit.” I shrugged. I could see the appeal of Andy but he wasn’t quite my type.
I didn’t have a type per se, and the one person that I could stand to be around for any length of time wasn’t talking to me. We’d had the most awkward of conversations at the hospital at the end of his visit and a couple of short calls since then, but Max wanted to leave trying to be friends again until after I’d sorted myself out a bit. Telling him about rehab had been hard. His voice was quiet and firm as he talked me into believing that it was a good idea.
The best part of my week was the call each Sunday. I was saving my Christmas call until a little later so I could tell him all about the meal with Alex and Will. He’d be over the moon that I’d managed a whole day with my family without a drop of alcohol. Not that there was any in the house for me to drink. I wished again that Max could have been here with us and that I hadn’t messed up so badly.
