Page 10 of For All It's Worth
Chapter Four
Charlie
WhileIdidn’tthinkI really needed rehab, since I wasn’t dependent on alcohol to get through the day, I had to admit that often there was a niggle of need when I got stressed out and pissed off. I’d taken to avoiding Mom because conversations with her were only tolerable with vodka. I guess she had a point. I point blank refused AA, though. I’d do rehab and regular therapy, but not in a group setting. People were part of the reason I’d used alcohol in the first place, so sitting me in a room with a ton of people who all liked a drink was a disaster in the making.
Alex closed on a house for himself and his son, Joe, in the week before Christmas, and since I was at loose ends, I helped him pick out furniture and set the place up.
Conversations with Alex were stilted and stiff, even more so than with Will, which was frustrating. He accepted my help, but it was grudging, our interactions tinged with frustration that I couldn’t understand. I spent most of the days helping with Joe since I couldn’t really lift anything and got tired easily. Alex had no reason to hate me, but he’d cut me off after Ethan like he wasn’t a giant hypocrite.
Part of me understood it; he was protective over Will in a way that he’d never been over me or even our sister.
It burned at me, though. Shame and anger tested my resolve to put the past behind us all. If Will could forgive Alex, then he could forgive me. If Will did forgive me, then Alex had no reason to hate me, right?
Maybe there would be a time soon where we could all get along and maybe act like the close brothers we were before our father made it a point to pit us against each other. It was going to be a long time coming if nothing changed.
The move went smoothly. Money certainly made shit like moving go much easier, that was for sure. Alex had wanted to move in before Christmas if it was at all possible so that he could give the kid the best day possible considering the circumstances.
“Grandma! Auntie Matty!” Joe yelled as Alex opened their door late Christmas morning. “Santa came! He knew where our new house was!” He looked up at his father with a look of adoration that even affected the usually stoic Alex. “Daddy says it’s ‘cause Santa is magic!” Joe was practically bouncing on the spot and I wondered if Alex had fed him pure sugar for breakfast or if Christmas just had that effect on kids.
Mom laughed and picked the squirming kid up so she could kiss his cheek before handing him over to his father and kissing Alex, too.
“Merry Christmas, my darlings. Joe, come show Grandma what you got for presents. Auntie Matty has gifts from us.”
I stood in the vestibule, unsure what to do. No one had noticed I was even there until Alex put down Joe and I caught the little boy’s attention. “Hiya Uncle Charlie,” Joe’s voice was timid. I hadn’t spent nearly enough time with him and I felt bad about that. It wasn’t his fault that his family was so messed up. There was always something more important, with running the clubs and general life crap when Mom had him and Helena worked or did whatever.
“Hey there, little man. Happy Christmas. How’d you like your new house? Did you get the bed we picked out?”
Joe’s face lit up. “Daddy, can I show Uncle Charlie my room?”
“Presents first with Grandma and then you can take Uncle Charlie upstairs, okay?” It was like seeing a whole new Alex, watching him playing the doting dad. He’d made time for Joe in the past, but with a sabbatical at work, he had much more quality time with him. He was going for full custody with Helena being less than interested in the poor kid, what with her new boyfriend’s kids and a new baby on the way.
“Okay, Daddy!” Joe hollered as he rushed off with Alex following behind him, leaving me to wander inside and close the door. I rolled my eyes. It seemed our shopping trip and Joe’s acceptance of me wasn’t working any magic on Alex.
Mom sat in a chair by the tree with Joe on her lap. She had a new energy about her, like she was finally coming out of the grief that had dimmed her shine since losing Father. She’d known what a difficult man he was and tempered him as best she could. I think that’s the only way that we got through our childhoods as well as we did. Sure, we had rough edges, but just the fact that Alex and Will had been able to have relationships, even if they were with flawed people, meant that it hadn’t all been bad. There were happy times. I had some good memories of my father, at least.
With us all together, Mom was in her element. Cooking for so many people and spending time with us all was the highlight of her year, as she kept reminding us whenever Matty or I grumbled.
Honestly, we just did it to make Mom laugh; I’d almost forgotten the sound of it. It rang clear, unrestrained, and free all day as Joe tugged on her hand to get her to play with him, and it made being uncomfortable around my brothers so much easier.
Spending Christmas day as a family meant that I got to meet Will’s new guy. The one that Mom and Matty had been raving about.
From the moment I met Andy, I got it. He and Will just fit and I’d never seen Will so at peace.
They hadn’t been together long, just getting together the week before my mugging. Andy meeting the family and them all spending the day together may have been the catalyst for the binge I went on that weekend. The seething jealousy at them all playing happy families coursing through me led to my argument with Max. Not that the rest of the family knew that, though. They thought I was just a stumbling drunk and that was how I spent all my time.
They didn’t see me as the successful businessman that I was. I’d worked hard to make something of myself, but they didn’t see that side of me.
It hurt that Andy seemed to have been accepted into the family already, almost like he was taking the spot meant for me. The way that he fit twisted my insides with envy as I remained an outsider. With Alex, Andy was quiet and reserved, but he clearly adored Joe, so that meant Alex would be cool with him. Since they’d been introduced, Mom had spent some time with Andy and Will to get to know Andy better with him being so important to my brother. Mom and Andy had a sweet bond and jealousy burned as I watched them bustling around the kitchen together.
“Oh, they are adorable!” Mom said, cooing over cookies Andy had made.
“Would you believe me if I told you that Will helped make them?” Andy joked, tossing a wink in Will’s direction. My brother stood in the doorway watching them with a fond smile on his face.
“Not a chance!” Mom joked. “Will is a kitchen disaster waiting to happen. There’s no way he helped with these. He can burn water!” Her laughter filled the room and Will smiled rather than getting upset.
“He’s a work in progress,” Andy teased and tiptoed over to Will, kissing him on the cheek before returning to Mom’s side. Mom put her arm around Andy’s waist and squeezed him to her, showing a lightness that I hadn’t seen in years. It burned that he was the cause of it.
In the afternoon, in the plushly appointed living room, Matty and Andy chatted about shows they’d watched like old friends. Andy had brought his twin and her partner to the holiday meal, since they usually spent it together. Matty had an instant friendship with his sister, Abby. They just clicked. They gossiped about the theater and the shows that Abby had worked as a costume designer on. Abby shared the technical aspects of some of the elaborate costumes she’d made as Matty looked up photos on her phone. I’d forgotten that Matty loved musicals. I used to take her or get tickets for her often, another thing that had stopped in all this family mess. It made me feel more and more like I didn’t belong than ever before and I desperately wished that I hadn’t fucked things with Max so badly, or he’d be with me now. He’d know exactly the right things to do and to say to make everything easy for me. Max was my wingman, my best friend, and my social buffer. Tears stung my eyes just thinking about him being alone today. He couldn’t bullshit me, I knew that he had no other plans. I’d done that to him and how would I ever be able to make up for that?
