Page 37 of Craved By You
“No, drink that while you tell me what happened.” She rolled her eyes as she read my mind. “When you’re ready.”
I sat huddled quietly on the lounge as my tea cooled, debating if I was just going to blurt out the entire thing, or if I wanted to leave anything out.No, she’s my best friend and I need to protect her.I began to tell her everything in ragged bursts, punctuating each segment with sobs and shuddered breaths. The vibrant radiance that Haileigh usually dispelled was suddenly subdued as she motioned for me to scootch over. She squished onto the lounge with me and draped her arm across my shoulders.
“And then he just left without so much as a fight for us.” My voice was barely a whisper since my throat was raw from all of the crying. “It was like the monster under the bed had finally shown its face and then excused itself.”
“You demanded he leave,” Haileigh pointed out. “It’s not like you really gave him an option to stay and try to talk through things.” She squeezed me tightly. “I can’t blame you, that’s horrific.”
I nodded as the tears began to stream again. I was so tired of crying, but truthfully I was still so tired. Even sleeping most of the day yesterday hadn’t helped because I kept seeing his face in my dreams. “I’m to the point where I can’t even think of him touching me without wanting to scrub my skin raw.”
A long silence stretched between us as Haileigh rubbed her hand up and down my shoulder to console me between sobs. Finally, Haileigh spoke, soft yet hesitant. “But, he saved you, right? He’s the one who showed up and got you out of there.”
“Yes,” I admitted, my gaze fixed on the cup of mostly untouched tea. “He did. He took me back to my place and the entire time he was gentle and caring, just like he’s always been.”
“And you’re torn between wanting to hate him and simply just… wanting him?” I knew she wasn’t going to let this go.
“I don’t know.”
“And he said it started out as desperation?” Haileigh pressed gently, wanting to make sure she had all the details accurately.
I nodded. “Starvation, there was no other way.”
Haileigh paused her interrogation and just as I believe she had no other questions she started up again. “The people he… ate, did he say anything about them?”
“Just that…” I paused, trying to remember the fragments of what I let Colt say. “That they weren’t innocent. I didn’t want to hear any of it, so I didn’t let him speak much. That still doesn’t make what he did okay.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Haileigh began slowly so as to choose her words carefully. “Maybe it’s not about being okay with it, but more like understanding it. What happened to him was terrible, Astrid. Maybe finding his mom dead and then fighting for his own life against her murderer got his morality twisted and he couldn’t think of anything else except to go into survival mode.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I pulled away from Haileigh’s consoling grasp. “Twisted? Haileigh, heatepeople! No amount of twisting makes that okay.”
“I know, let me finish.” Haileigh held up her hand to cut me off. “It’s awful and disgusting. But if he only hurt people who were deserving, at least he wasn’t hurting innocents. He was just playing out his own version of Dexter.”
A knot began to form in my stomach, regret building from me not being willing to hear him out. “He implied that, yes. Even ifthey were the worst people in the world I just don’t think that eating them was the right way for him to handle it.”
“No, it wasn’t right,” Haileigh agreed. “It still explains a little.”
I shrugged off her comment and wrapped my arms around myself, embracing my own body in a hug. “I don’t know how.” I was finding myself trapped in the deep conflict that I had been trying to avoid. Part of me still wanted him. The part that had felt safe in Colt’s arms, the part that had seen the genuine worry in his eyes when he tended to me, that part whispered the most dangerous question of them all. Could I truly dismiss him entirely?
“It’s still so gross.” I choked out, tears blurring my vision again as I fought an internal war between my head and my heart. “The thought of it makes my skin crawl and how could I ever trust anyone again? I could have never imagined that someone I was so connected to on all levels could do something soawful.”
Haileigh reached out and took my hand in a firm grip. “I know, honey. It’s going to take a lot of time. It’s okay to feel disgusted and betrayed, but you should also listen to the other part of you that stillwantshim.”
“I’m just confused, that’s all.” I pulled my hand back. “He saved me. He was kind, just like the person I fell in love with, but then I came back to reality.”
“Maybe that’s it then.” Haileigh paused, staring at me intently. “But then there’s thewhat if?”
I felt myself starting to feel torn between whether Haileigh was on my side or his. “What do you mean?”
“What if one day you find yourself able to forgive him? Would that change how you are feeling now?”
I stared down at my hands, my clenched knuckles turning white as snow. Haileigh had asked a very valid question.What if I could one day forgive him?The thought echoed through my mind. His kindness, obsessive and protective nature, and the connection we had. All of it had been overshadowed by a single monstrous act. Only it wasn’t a single act. Who knew how often or how many times a month he restocked his supply. Was that forgivable?
That answer felt impossibly far away.
Chapter 24
Colt
Even though The Shack was massive, it still felt suffocating. The air was stale and thick with the scent of dust and broken dreams. I sat on the edge of the sofa, staring into the cup of coffee that had already gone cold. When I closed my eyes, the image of Astrid’s horrified face was ingrained in my mind. Soon, there was frantic knocking on the door and my heart tried to leap out of my chest. The boys had arrived and I needed to tell them everything that had happened before they could find out from anyone else, knowing that I was putting my life on the line and risking it all.
