Page 17 of We Were Never Lovers
“Fuck, Sean,” Jack said and dropped the bag and the crutches. He slid one arm under Sean’s thighs and the other around his back and lifted him. “Where thefuckis your carer?”
Sean brought his hands up around Jack’s neck, buried his face against his throat and felt ashamed when his eyes spilled over with silent tears.
“I didn’t hire one,” he said against Jack’s skin. He smelled good. He always smelled good. Sean hated that he always smelled this good.
Jack tightened his grip. “For fuck’s sake.”
“Hold on,” Jack said once they were in front of Sean’s door.
Sean held on as Jack got his keys out of his pocket, unlocked Sean’s door, got him inside with a grunt, and deposited him on the bed with careful hands.
“I’ll get your meds,” he said, a little winded, and disappeared as Lola jumped up next to him.
Sean was medicated, rehydrated, fed and dozing with Lola beside him, Jack propped up against the headboard on his other side in less than an hour. Sean had raised both eyebrows when Jack took the spot after getting Sean sorted. Jack raised both eyebrows in response, a rare look of defiance crossing his handsome face.
“Fine,” Sean said and slipped his eyes closed.
“I know you’re still awake,” Jack said now, and Sean grunted.
“Why didn’t you hire a carer? Or even call one of your mob? You know Shelley or Roger or any of them would’ve come down in a heartbeat.”
Sean breathed and thought about it, he ignored that Jack knew his cousins well enough they sounded familiar in his mouth. His eyes were closed and that made it easier. “Everyone talks to me like I’m somebody else. Like the last two years stuff happened and it made me somebody else or somethin’. I dunno, I’m not explainin’ it right, but it’s stressful. People—you, Ben, Harris—you all talk to me like I’m someone and I feel like I’m shrinkin’. So, I guess, I wanted to be alone where no one’s lookin’ at me expectin’ somethin’ I can’t deliver.”
Jack breathed audibly beside him.
Sean continued to pat Lola and drifted off.
“I get that, I can see that,” Jack said after a while. Sean grunted, he wanted to say, ‘Good talk,’ but he was feeling so much better, full of food, on his meds, and all he could manage was a soft grunt.
“But the problem is you need help,” Jack went on. “And I gotta be honest, I don’t really trust anyone else to give it to you but me. I mean look what happened when I didn’t.”
Sean scoffed. “There’s no one here to compare yourself to, Jackie, don’t worry, you’re still the best.”
“Am I?” Jack asked, his seriousness at odds with the tone Sean was trying to set. “‘Cos I get why you wanna be alone. I really do, I really can see that. What you’re going through? It fucking sucks, okay? But all you had to do was tell me and I’d have backed off.”
“You already backed off and that’s the problem,” Sean opened his eyes and looked up at him.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jack asked.
Sean roved his eyes over him, another nice white shirt—he must buy them in packs of seven, one for every day of the week—worn in blue jeans, hair nice like he’d just washed it, the smell of it Sean’s shampoo and conditioner.
“You’re like, skittering around your own house like a mouse, givin’ me all this space and like, I can feel it,” he said.
Jack frowned. Sean let him chew on that and closed his eyes again.
“Okay,” he said finally. “I promise I’ll be more present—”
Sean snorted.
“And you’ll come back home.”
Sean thought about it. He did need help, at least for a bit. And he could stay here in this showroom apartment and hire a carer or call someone else. But, as much as he was loathe to admit it, Jack did take bloody good care of him. He got everything right. Except—
“How in the fuck are you gonna act normal around me, but?”
“I’ve always acted normal around you,” Jack replied, shifting on the bed.
Sean laughed, but it hurt his side so it was more of a gasp. His ribs were almost healed, but switching to crutches and trying to do too much too soon—like army crawl up a flight of stairs—was clearly a mistake. “I don’t reckon you act normal around anyone, me least of all. You’re so self-conscious.”
