Page 60 of We Were Never Lovers
Sean laughed. “I reckon you’ve probably been pissed and managed not to let it slip out before now.”
Jack looked away, ran a hand over his face. “Probably, I dunno. I knew you’d be mad.”
“When did this happen?” Sean asked, something occurring to him.
“When did what happen?” Jack asked, deliberately dumb.
“Jack,” Sean said, a warning.
Jack sighed, dropped his arms. “A month before you got hurt. You told me. I went lookin’ the next night. Said I was at Annie’s.”
Sean’s head was spinning. If it was a month before, then a month before they were close enough to have that conversation. Sean was comfortable enough with Jack to tell him shit he’d never told anyone and never planned to tell anyone. Jack said they weren’t together, but were they inching towards that? And if so, why wouldn’t Jack just say?
“I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I was just,” Jack sighed, his words filling a helpless silence, “so fuckin’ mad. And it was kinda my fault.”
“How in the fuck was it your fault?” Sean knew there was no way Jack knew the bloody guy, had set him up. That’d be insane and Jack wasn’t that guy.
“If I hadn’t fucked it all up at the start, then you wouldn’t of had to deal with any of that,” Jack said.
He was picking at his cuticle with his thumb nail, eyes down, voice drunk and sadder because of it.
“Whaddya mean?” Sean asked. He shuffled in his seat, willed Jack to look at him—he could read him better that way.
“That night, when we,” Jack started, darted his eyes up, checking in for how Sean would take talking about this. Sean jerked his chin, hoped he looked welcoming. He wondered if they’d ever discussed this.
Jack didn’t continue, he refocused on his nail and Sean was going to burst when he finally spoke. “I wasn’t pissed, it wasn’t a joke.”
“You were kinda pissed,” Sean replied more to fill the silence than address what Jack was saying.
Jack shook his head. “Nah, I mean, yeah, a little bit. But I only said that ‘cos I chickened out. I wanted to kiss you, I’ve always wanted…”
Sean stood and went over to him. “What’ve you always wanted?”
Jack met his eyes. “To kiss you.”
They were the same blue eyes looking back at him from under the fall of that shaggy blonde hair. Older now, tired. Not the bright, naïve eyes of the boy he’d been back then. The boy who’d leaned forward and met him when Sean closed that gap, pressed his lips in a rush of daring against Sean’s, who’d been about to pull away just as quick when Sean gripped the back of his head and deepened the kiss, the oval pitch black around them, their asses cold on the cricket pitch, empty bottles of beer between them. Sean had pushed his tongue into Jack’s mouth, felt a thrill when Jack made a shocked sound, then met him, the kiss turning wetter, hungrier. He’d tightened his hold on Jack’s head, pushed closer for more.
“Shit,” Jack had said, pulling back suddenly and breaking the kiss. Sean’s hand gripped and released in his hair. He’d wanted to lean in and keep going, to do more, to touch him.
“Shit,” Jack said again, voice gone goofy. “I’m so drunk.”
Sean loosened his hand.
Jack glanced up, a smirk on his lips, but his eyes weren’t laughing. Sean could still see it, over ten years later; he’d looked scared. Of what, Sean didn’t know. Of him? Of kissing a boy?
Sean let him go and sat back.
“It’s just like a joke, right?” Jack had asked, a desperate edge to his voice.
Sean had forced a laugh. “Yeah, man, course.” He’d wanted to change the subject, get them back on safe ground, but a pit of despair had opened in his chest and he didn’t have the energy to do it.
“I’m so fuckin’ pissed,” Jack laughed, a fake laugh. “Just messin’ around. I’m not, I’m not like that.”
Jack had darted a glance at him as if to say,and you’re not either, right?But Sean hadn’t missed the fear in his eyes; it was like the frightened anger of a cornered animal ready to unleash if Sean said the wrong thing.
“Reckon we should head back,” he’d gotten up, snaked three empties between his fingers. “Gotta kick your ass tomorrow.”
“Oh, you’re gonna try,” Jack jumped onto the subject change and prattled on as they walked back, a good metre between them. Sean’s lips still buzzed with the feel of Jack’s lips on his, but he’d seen Jack wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in between shit-talking about their game, and it’d made something shameful twist in his stomach, in his chest.
