Page 28 of We Were Never Lovers
Sean nodded thoughtfully. “So, you reckon if we do it now, I’ll be like I was back then, but you’re too far gone on the new way now so it’s not gonna work. Like, you’ll be all good and shit and I’ll be an asshole.”
“Yes,” Jack breathed out, relieved. He looked like he was about to get up, conversation over.
“What if I promise to be like, nice and shit.” It pained him to say it, it really did. But he’d been playing over that scene in the kitchen for a month and he reckoned if he didn’t get another crack at it, he’d combust. He could be nice. He could definitely be really fucking nice.
Jack rubbed his hands on his thighs, shorts riding up with the movement, muscles flexing under his fading tan. “I dunno…”
“Can you at least give me a shot?” Sean asked. He hated that he’d been reduced to this, but he knew it was worth it.
Jack looked at him, his face saying he was already about to say no, but then Sean saw something in his mask slip—it was desire. He wanted Sean like this too, and as he swallowed, Sean got the keen sense Jack had missed this. Which, now Sean thought about it, of course he did. They’d no doubt been fucking on the regular and now, unless Jack was screwing someone when he was at training, which was highly unlikely, he wasn’t getting laid anymore either.
“You’ve got a cast on,” Jack said and waved his hand at it, but it was a weak objection and they both knew it.
“Cast doesn’t get in the way of sucking each other off,” Sean retorted. “Wristies, could probably even fuck if we got creative. And it’s not like I can’t, you know,” he waved his hand at Jack.
“I reckon you need to be able to say it,” Jack scoffed and looked outside. His tone aimed for mocking, but Sean heard the sadness in it. They might not have been lovers, Sean was getting that, but he was also getting the sense they were really close, close enough to be able to hug without making it a joke, to talk about the future, to take care of each other the way best mates who weren’t going to be in a relationship with anyone else would.
“Hug you,” Sean said seriously. “Hold you, cuddle, stroke your hair.”
Jack laughed, met Sean’s eyes and stopped laughing. He shrugged, a hint of vulnerability to his expression. This really meant something to Jack, a lot more than he was letting on.
“I can do that,” Sean said when Jack didn’t say anything.
“Yeah, okay,” Jack breathed out. “But—”
Sean was about to pump his fist in celebration and ask when they could start when that ‘but’ stopped him.
“No, what ‘but’?” he said.
“This is serious,” Jack sat forward and clasped his hands together. “It’s hard to explain, but you in two years?”
Sean nodded.
“I don’t want to piss him off,” he said slowly but like it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say.
“Well, I’m him and I’m not pissed off.”
But Jack was already shaking his head. “No, you don’t get it. I, we, if we do this, it sounds stupid, but I kinda feel like—”
Jack cut himself off, shook his head and stood. “Nothin’, it’s stupid.”
“No, tell me,” Sean asked. Why would future him be pissed off? If he was fucking his fuck buddy again, who cared? Unless there was some ownership thing to the way they did this weird buddy fucking.
“Do I have some kinda claim on you?” Sean asked.
Jack had busied himself with the hand weights for Sean’s physio, getting everything ready. He was still looking at them in his hands, but Sean knew he’d heard him just fine from the blush on his neck, the awkwardness of his movements.
“Yeah, nah, nothin’ like that,” he said and focused on what he was doing. “It’s all good,” he smiled brightly and met Sean’s eyes. “Let me know when you wanna…”
Now, Sean wanted to say, but decided having some chill was probably a good idea. Also, he wanted Jack when he was behaving less like a startled horse. So, maybe he’d order the Indian takeaway they both loved, order Jack’s favourite beers, get him to sit next to him on the couch and relax.
He nodded and Jack returned it, relief and something else on his face. It was a few hours later, after physio, when Sean was dozing on the couch with Lola pressed against him when he realised what it was—happiness. A tiny, pleased moment of joy had been on Jack’s face and in the months Sean had been living with him, he’d never seen it before.
10
Sean didn’t order theIndian and the beers and work on making Jack relax so he could get him to suck his dick again. Instead, he’d said he needed to get to bed before nine the night before and hopped to his room with Jack’s surprised, “Oh, okay, goodnight,” called out behind him as he moved as fast as he could with crutches, Jack adding, “Do you need anything?”
“I’m fine, ‘m good,” he’d said and waited for Lola to dart in behind him before resolutely shutting the door.
