Page 26 of Final Goodbye
How could he ask that? Of course I’d never harm her. I cared about her too much to ever treat her like she had been treated in the past.
“Of course not! I snapped.”
“I didn’t ask you that because I thought you would harm her. I asked because I wanted you to see the difference between you and her ex-boyfriend. While he has his own issues he has to work through, he’s used his anger against her and not for her benefit.” I thought about what he said, trying to put his words into perspective.
“I see what you’re saying, but how do I stop myself from being heated around him all the time?”
“He’s clearly a trigger for you, and you did the right thing by coming to therapy to talk about it before acting on it. Assuming he isn’t going away, it’s going to be something that needs to be worked on. But of course, if you can limit your time around him, that would be the best-case scenario. I do think you would benefit from talking to Paige about the way you’re feeling. I know you’re fearful of her reaction but showing her that side of you and explaining your past would help you immensely in the long run.”
I sat there for a moment, letting his words absorb in my mind. Taking his advice would be the smart thing to do, I just needed to find the right time to tell Paige everything. Hopefully, the right time would be before my anger boiled over and made the situation worse.
“I hear what you’re saying, Doc. Sounds like I have some homework to do.” He gave me a nod in agreement as we both stood up and shook hands. “Thanks again for getting me in, I really appreciate it.”
“I’m glad you called, Declan. Don’t be afraid to come back more often if you find yourself needing it. Take care.” Weexchanged goodbyes before I made my way out of his office and back to my truck, feeling a bit lighter.
This was just like any other therapy session; the only difference being that there was a girl in the picture this time, and so much of my anger came from not wanting her to judge me or see me the way she saw Logan. I’d make it my mission to keep working on myself and show her the difference between him and I. While I was getting the help I needed, it didn’t sound like he was.
The weather was changing,and the leaves had fallen. The trees no longer looked bright and full of fall colors. Bare branches swayed outside my bedroom window with orange, yellow and red leaves scattered on the ground. The way it appeared outside reflected how it felt in this house: cold and empty.
Chase had been spending a lot of time with his friends lately, so he hadn’t been home much. Mom had been in and out of the house since the funeral last weekend. She had gone back to work just like me, probably looking for a way to get her mind off everything.?
I guess we were more similar than I thought.
She was a night nurse, so we typically worked the same hours unless either of us were pulling a double shift. Interactions with her had been minimal but I wanted to keep my promise to myself. If I was going to stick around, I was going to work on my relationship with my mom. Starting today.
Since I had the day off, I didn’t put much effort into getting ready. I threw on the first thing I could find, some leggings andDeclan’s hoodie from last night. His woodsy smell drifted off the gray fabric, making thealmostintimate moment between us last night run wild through my mind.
I made my way downstairs and noticed my mom cozied up on the couch with a blanket, her coffee and a book. She looked the most content I’d seen her since I came back home.
“Hey, Mom, what are you up to today?” I hoped I wasn’t interrupting her relaxing morning when I struck up a conversation. Putting the bookmark in between her pages marking where she left off, she set her book down and made eye contact with me.?
“I have the day off today. Was thinking I might go through some of Dads’ stuff in his closet.” I couldn’t quite read her expression, and I wasn’t even sure what she meant by that.
“Go through his stuff?” I repeated in question. I wasn’t expecting her to do that so soon. Giving us some distance, I sat on the couch, opposite of her.
“Yeah, the church was looking for donations for the wintertime, and his stuff isn’t going to fit Chase, so I figured I would just donate it.” Her response came off indifferent and stone cold.?
Concern was laced in my voice when I responded, “Mom… It… It’s been just over a week since Dad passed away. Don’t you think it’s kind of soon to be cleaning house?”
“Honey, I’m just ready for some closure. Everyone heals in their own way and I’m ready to start my healing process. Even if it does seem too soon to you.”
Soon was an understatement. I understood that my dad put her through some shit, but couldn’t she at least act like she cared? The confused look on my face showed every emotion I was feeling. I wanted to work on this relationship between the two of us, but I didn’t want to have disagreements. And this was a big one—I didn’t approve of what she was doing at all.
She chimed back in when she noticed I was on the verge of shutting down. “Look, your father was a great man. He was an amazing father, and I loved him for that. But he wasn’t a loyal husband. You spent a lot of time away when things were at their worst. I kept it together every day for Chase. But it’s been years since your father and I have been the husband and wife we once were. I’m just tired, Paige.”
I felt bad. I was torn because I wanted to put myself in my mom’s shoes while also remembering what an amazing father my dad was. But I felt like if I accepted this other version of him, my thoughts would be tainted. And all I wanted were good memories to remember him by.?
“I’m sorry he hurt you, Mom… Ugh, this is just so hard. I never knew he had this other side to him.” I couldn’t hold back the tears that started to shed. Furrowing her eyebrows, her face began to soften. She held out her arm as an invitation to come over where she sat on the couch. Taking a seat next to her, I lifted my legs up to my chest, hugging them close to my body as I leaned against her shoulder. It had been a while since my mom showed me comfort in this way.?
The ease she showed while I was hurting, it was a breath of fresh air.
Just like I was torn, I had a feeling she was too. I could only imagineyearsof not prioritizing yourself and now trying your best to do so. It was shitty timing, but I was trying to give her grace, even though I was torn apart inside.
“His past decisions are just that, the past. I’ll always love him. He was my first love and the father to my children. But I want to find the happiness I haven’t felt in a while. I hate he had to leave the world this way. I wish we could have just made it a few more months and then gotten a divorce. But it didn’t work out that way, and now I need some closure. It was always hard to sleep next to him, and now I just want to clear some things outand start the process.” She took a deep breath and rubbed her hand up and down my arm, comforting me, “I know we are both feeling very different things and now isn’t the time for me to tell you exactly how I am feeling. The last thing I want to do is taint your memories of him by unloading all his mistakes. Especially since he isn’t here to tell his side of the story.”
I understood my mom was hurting in her own way. I was just glad she was opening up to me as much as she could. I needed to be strong and take the small wins where I could get them, even if they didn’t seem right.
Mom was giving me the smallest insight into how she had been feeling—more than she had in a while. The door to her heart was cracked and I wanted to take advantage, seeing how far she’d let me in. I came here to mend this relationship, and if I didn’t get a few things off my chest, I felt like I was going to explode at any moment.
