Page 27 of Final Goodbye
“Mom…” I whispered.
“What’s wrong, honey?” My head lifted from her shoulder as I gazed at her with tears continuing to build in my eyes. It was always tough to address these tough conversations since you never knew how the other person was going to react. I just hoped she wouldn’t be offended with what I had to say, and I could get it all out in the way it had been processing in my head for some time now.
“It’s just… My mind has been swirling lately. I think everything with Dad has brought up these feelings I’ve been harboring for some time now.” My chest expanded with a deep breath as I scooted back on the couch to have a better look at her when I started to unload years of trauma.
“Talk to me, Paige. What is all of this about?” Her brow dipped; a look of concern written across her face.
“Do you remember the reason I gave you and Dad when I chose to leave home all those years ago?”
“It’s been so long now but if I remember right, you told us that you wanted to get away from Logan. Start fresh. Something along those lines. Is that what this is about? Are you having problems with Logan again?”
“No, Mom. I… I’m having problems with you. I’vebeenhaving problems with you.”
“Withme?” She reared back, looking more confused than ever.
A moment passed by as she waited for my response. I wanted to take the extra few seconds to make sure all this would come off with compassion. I didn’t want to point fingers at her and make her out to be a terrible mom.
“There has been this intense disconnect for years. At this point, I don’t know if it’s just in my head or if you’ve felt it too.”
“I mean, of course there has been distance between us. You moved away twelve years ago and never came home to visit, Paige.” Her voice started to turn cold—a defense mechanism of hers. All the warm and comforting feelings she was giving off just moments ago had vanished.
“I never came home because I didn’t feel wanted here. I waited for you, Dad and Chase to come visit me because you wouldn’t be distracted with work. You both came out to Phoenix formeand put work behind you. You’d take the time to be interested in my life for a few days, even if I was just a bartender with a minimal life. If I came home, I feared you would still go to work, come home to take care of Chase and forget I was even here like you used to. My fear became a reality when I came home for dad’s funeral. Here we are, I’ve been home just over a week, and this is the first real conversation I feel like we’ve had.” My heart was beating at lightning speed. There wouldn’t be any going back now. I opened a can of worms and I needed to finish this conversation. I needed to shift gears and get my mom and I into a good place.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to all of that. It’s a lot to digest,” my mom spoke in a soft voice.
“I don’t expect you to say much just yet. I wanted to have this conversation because I have a lot to say. I have a lot of feelings and I’m doing the best I can to get this all off my chest in a way that makes sense.” I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a frustrated sigh before finishing my thought. I didn’t want to dwell too much on the past, so I’d start with something a little more recent, hoping she’d be able to see where my feelings were coming from.
“When you called me to tell me Dad passed away, I know you were devastated. But I deserved to know the details before I hopped on a plane and came all this way to find out from my little brother, who knew everything before I did. You were strong for Chase, but you weren’t strong for me. When I came home you couldn’t even get out of bed to tell me what was going on?—”
“You’ve always been able to handle yourself, Paige. You’re an adult. You’ve been independent for as long as I can remember. You haven’t needed me in the ways that Chase has growing up,” she cut in.
The tears that were threatening to fall just moments ago trickled down my cheeks with no intention of stopping. I’ve always needed her, and she’s never understood that. I had no idea when she got this crazy idea in her head that her own daughter didn’tneedher anymore. I was going to point fingers—exactly what I said I didn’t want to do—but I couldn’t figure out any other way to get out all these feelings eating me up inside.
“I handled myself because I always felt like too much. Too much work, too much of an inconvenience, too much of a burden. I watched you raise another child after I was already practically grown. Your hands were full, and I wanted to make your life easier, but I guess by doing that, I gave you the impression I didn’t need you. You say I don’t need you becauseI’m self-sufficient, but what kid doesn’t need their own mother?” For a brief moment my mom shifted her body, turning slightly so she wasn’t facing me. When I heard a sniffle, I realized I wasn’t the only one holding back my tears.
Fuck, I hated crying, but even more, I hated to see my mom cry. I hated being the reason she was crying. Inching closer to her, I found her hand, grabbing it so she could feel the sincereness in my voice when I told her how much I wanted her in my life. How badly Ineededher in my life.
“Mom… I’ve always needed you. I need you now more than ever. Dad’s gone and I only have one parent left. I don’t want to lose you too. In your eyes, you see this strong, independent woman on the outside, but on the inside, I amcrumbling. I’m feeling the loss of dad so intensely, but I don’t feel like I have anyone to express those feelings to.” Sobs escaped my body as I continued to hold on to her hand for dear life, hoping she could sense the desperation in how much I needed her.
Her hand didn’t leave mine when she faced me head-on. Any makeup she once had on was now streaming down her face.
“Paige, I am so sorry...” She grabbed a tissue from the end table to blot her wet eyes and runny nose before adding, “I signed up to be a mom thirty years ago and I’ve failed you. I’m not the perfect mom I’ve always strived to be. For years, I thought I did my job successfully. You always did well in school, and you moved to another state without looking back. You had absolutely no fear and I always had no idea how you became so strong, because I sure as hell wasn’t. Maybe that’s something you got from your father, but either way, I thought I had done my job by allowing you to spread your wings and fly. Your father passing away was another test I’d been given and… I failed. I’ve been selfish with my own healing that I’ve ignored how my own children were feeling, and I am so sorry I haven’t been the mother you deserve, Paige.”
I didn’t want to spend another minute dwelling on every emotion and instance from the last thirty years that were a revolving door in my mind. I just wanted to wrap my arms around my mother and tell her it was going to be okay. That it could only go up from here. That I was so incredibly sorry it took me years, until my father passed away, to have this conversation with her.
“We both have reasons we could sit here and beat ourselves up over but there’s no point in going backwards and living in the past. All we can do is move forward. This was a conversation that could have been had years ago but I’m not sure if I would have been able to handle it then. Shockingly, I think it was meant to have been had now. Plus, I have a feeling I’ll be spending some more time around here. It gives us plenty of time to make up for lost time.”
“Come here.” Mom squeezed my hand and pulled me into her embrace. We sat there for what felt like hours, her arms holding me so tight that I finally felt what I needed from my mom for all this time.Love.
“I love you, Paige. Even though this was hard and unexpected, thank you. Thank you for being so brave to tell me how you’ve been feeling. I’m not perfect and I have plenty of things to work on, but I’m here whenever you need me, even if it’s just to listen. Whatever it is, I’ll be here.”
Those last few words rang in my ears.I’m here whenever you need me.
My mind went back to that card I found from my dad all those years ago, him once saying the same exact words. The irony in her words gave me comfort. I didn’t feel alone on an island any longer. I felt loved, wanted, and needed.
“I love you too, Mom,” I whispered, my eyes finally drying up from all the tears shed. Before we got lost on this emotional roller coaster, my mom planned to clean up Dad’s things. Itwasn’t something I was begging to do but maybe it would help my mom like she wanted it too. Right now, spending the afternoon doing anything with her was exactly what our relationship needed.
“Mind if I help you clean up his stuff?”
