Page 41 of Off the Charts
Jersei smirked and shook her head. “That’s funny you said that. I want to tell him when he gets back in two weeks. I know y’all are familiar with one another, but if we are growing past friendship, I am moving it up my to-do list.” I nodded. “With you not having any children on this side of earth yet, what does possibly being with someone that has a kid look like for you?”
“You ask the easy shit, J.” I blinked. “I knew what I was getting into from the jump. That’s not a problem for me. Yes, he’s your son, but in due time what is yours will eventually become ours. Like you said, Zion and I have built a relationship. He trusts me with his secrets, now I have to get him to trust me with his mother’s heart. We will separate school from personal. He and I can still talk, but when it starts teetering the line of conflict of interest, I can have Miss Ward from the high school to see him. We’ll see what’s comfortable and go from there.”
“Okay.” She smiled then nodded. “What about his father?”
I chortled, sprinkling the weed into the blunt. “What about him? That’s his father. I respect that. I’an gone have no friendship with the nigga, but long as he does his part and respect y’all, I won’t interfere.”
“He’s bitter, but I don’t see him being a problem.” I didn’t respond because my warning was already given. “Zy’s birthday is the week before school. I always go all out for him like a birthday party and back to school bash in one. If you’re free, I would like for you to be there too.”
“All I need is the date and time.”
She smiled. Reaching under her chair, Jersei grabbed a notebook, ripping out a page before handing me a pen. I accepted it. “I know it’s random, but as you were lighting the fire, I thought of this. I want us to write down everything we want to release and throw it in. The hurts, anything you are holding onto that you don’t voice, jot it down and let it burn. I think it symbolizes release. We don’t have to share what we wrote. Keep it between you and God. That’s cool?”
I sat my blunt down and accepted the pen from her. “I’m down for that.”
Jersei turned on some music and we went at it. This activity really made me dig deep within myself. For a good ten minutes, my page was blank. Each time I glanced over at Jersei, she was writing her ass off. I didn’t think I was perfect in the slightest, but I allowed a lot of shit to roll off me in order to keep my sanity. My mother came to mind followed by Valen’s words the other day and my pen started moving.
Putting everyone’s needs before my own.
The savior complex based on my past.
Releasing the feeling of thinking that if God did it for them then He can’t do it for me
Feeling like I cannot have happiness past the walls I put up
I glanced up at Jersei who was still using her thigh as a table although it was one right beside her. I smiled to myself.
Opening my heart fully and not just offering pieces.
The fear of loving again without adding limits.
The paper wasn’t burnt yet, but it felt good to see the things I tucked away in words. It was time to let all this shit go. Satisfied with what I listed, I waited a few minutes. Jersei exhaled and sat up in her seat.
“Ready?” She nodded and counted us down. We released the papers into the fire and watched them burn in silence, listening to the crackling of the fire as they faded piece by piece. How easy it was to burn in the heat was the same way we had to allow it to disappear within and I was willing to.
“Thank you for that. It was refreshing,” I told her.
“It really was,” she agreed, turning toward me again. “How do you feel about love, Mr. Denver?”
I chuckled, sprinkling the last of my weed into the blunt before sealing it with my tongue. Jersei watched my every move, making me chuckle. I threw her a quick wink, making her giggle.
I sparked my blunt. “Even when it’s wrong, the illusion of it will have you fooled. That’s how you know that it is a beautiful thing because eternally, it can be the best thing. I’ve learnedthat the tiny pieces of a person or thing can make love be breathtaking or leave you lifeless. I believe in love. I want love.”
Jersei’s leg started bouncing and so did her eyes. As I sparked my blunt, I patted my thigh. “C’mere, baby.”
Slowly, she stood crossing the space to stand in front of me. I patted my thigh again reminding her of what I’d said, and she lowered herself onto the opposite thigh. I shook my head, chuckling at her stubbornness. Feeling the coolness of her skin, I grabbed a blanket from the drawer beside us and wrapped her in it. Jersei curled against my chest, and I kissed her forehead.
Her lips parted and I exhaled my smoke directly between them causing her to hum. She held it for a second then released it. “What was that look?”
Her shoulders went up and down. “Do you think that we’ll have all those things or is this more of like a…fling?”
“I don’t entertain flings. A man is not defined by his words, but his actions. I’ve shown you where I stand with you, J. Do I need to go harder? I’m learning that you need verbal assurance, so let me give it to you,” I pulled from my blunt again. “You made me feel fireworks in my chest for the first time in years. It happened right after you cussed my ass out in my office. I denied it, but when the feelings are that strong, I don’t believe that it's solely your own emotions. I think that’s God tapping you saying it’s a good thing.She’sa good thing. He tapped me for you, J.”
“Vayce,” she whispered and I pressed a finger to her lips.
“I know enough not to settle, not even for no pussy. If this was a fling, we’d fuck with no strings, but I have no energy for useless attachments. You’re here ‘cause you mean something to me and one day, you’ll mean everything, J.” I watched her eyes close. Anytime I spoke to her, she clung to every word which let me know she’d never been affirmed. It may have been a lot emotionally, but I was willing to rewrite everything she once knew. With the pad of my thumb, I brushed away the tear thatslipped from the corner of her eye. “This is your daily reminder that I am here to stay. I’ve let you in and there’s only one way out.”
“What’s that?”
