Page 17 of Off the Charts
(1 Week Later)
“And hi?—”
“His medicine is in the duffle bag, and his extras were already called in to the pharmacy. I know. Damn!” My sister Jade fanned her hand, plopping down beside me on the couch. She handed me one of the mini bottles of tequila in her hand. “This ain’t our first rodeo. You stress yourself out too much. Drink with your sister.”
I took a deep breath before retrieving the bottle from her. My eyes immediately went to the tiny ingredients on the back. I wasn’t a big health freak, but I preferred traditionally preparedfood over processed ones. Most of the things I consumed, I grew or made myself. I had several cheat days, but I preferred to eat what would help me live longer. Studying food science for so long will make you realize how much shit we consume that we shouldn’t; although it tastes amazing.
Jade snatched the bottle from my hands, sucking her teeth. “Uh uh! We not doing that fake ass monitoring my calories and carbohydrates shit today. Take the damn shot!”
I snickered, tapping bottles with her before throwing them back. We exchanged the ugliest faces. “This why I don’t trust your ass now. What was that?”
“Girl, hell if I know. It was two for a dollar. Probably some type of poison.” She chuckled, putting the bottle down. Jade was a year older than me. We had different dads, so growing up, she lived with hers on the west coast, but Mama made sure we kept in touch. Jade moved back to Harvest Hills my senior year of high school and was the perfect example of a best friend and sister. “I wanted to check in with you though. How’s everything with Zion now?”
“He is good. His counselor’s end of school year notes said that he made good progress in a short amount of time. I will say that he has been more open with communicating his feelings with me. Instead of saying I’m okay, he will sit me down and say ‘Mama, I feel like this’ versus moving on. I appreciate the baby steps.” Jade nodded. “He told me the other day that he decided to forgive his dad for whatever he did to hurt me.”
Jade gave me aI know you lying, look. “You told him?” She whisper yelled.
“Hell no! You know Zy is forty-two in the mind. I can’t get shit past him. He’s so smart.”
“You right about that. He get that from his Tee Tee.”
“If that’s the case then my child would be dumb as a rock,” I retorted.
“Girl, fuck you!” We shared a laugh. “How are you, sis? And be honest Jersei. I know you like to paint this pretty picture, but what’s going on in your heart? I know you all sad because your baby is leaving, but this is your first summer without your norm. Usually, you and Solomon are on a yacht somewhere. This year looks different. What does that feel like?”
The smile I wore slowly faded. My eyes moved from hers off into the distance, looking at nothing in particular but trying to find the right answer. I had no choice but to be honest.
“It’s, um. It’s weird. I have been thinking about it, but it hasn’t hit me yet that I don’t have that life anymore, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know? Right now, I am okay with not having it all figured out because the things that matter the most to me are taken care of.” I looked back at her. “I’m healing, Jade, and I am doing better than I expected, but I am going to take these two months and do things I want to.”
Jade grabbed my hands. “Good for you sis. How ever I can help, let me know. We got Zy. You get Jersei. Okay?”
Leaning across the couch, I embraced her in a big hug. Everybody didn’t have a village of people who cared for them or their lives, but I was so thankful for mine. “Thank you, Jade.”
“Anytime sista. Now, don’t be calling us every ten minutes. Let my nephew be!”
I fanned her off. “Hoe please.”
“If y’all don’t get y’all narrow tails up and come on here! Jade, do you not see the time? Our flight leaves at noon and we still have to drive down to the airport. Come on. Come on!” Mama fussed as she came into the house with Zion on her tracks. He moved past her and grabbed the last suitcase to take it outside. I could tell he was struggling, but he was using all his might to get it done. I couldn’t do anything but smile.
It took another ten minutes to load the car. I was currently on my knees at eyelevel with Zion rambling off a thousandquestions, half of them probably were repetitive and the rest likely didn’t make sense. Truth is, I was trying to prolong our time together. Summer came too damn fast and I wasn’t ready to let my baby go. Once he got in the car, it would be over a month before I saw him again.
“Mommy,” he whined. “I got it. Scream when there is a stranger coming, but did you forget that I know that I can fight now? I will fight, Mama. I’m not scared anymore. I will knock a bully out,” Zy said in all seriousness.
I needed the laugh he forced out of me. “I thought you were a lover?”
“I am!” He laughed before wrapping his arms around me. “I’m going to miss you, Mommy,” he mumbled as we embraced. I was no more good and was ready to roll through the grass to add to my dramatics. “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
The two of us stayed that way until my mama put him in the car, constantly reminding me that they had a flight to catch. “We got him. Love you,” Mama kissed my cheek before releasing me so I could hug Jade too.
“I love yall.” The three of them got in the car and as soon as she put the car in reverse, I started bawling. Zion was waving. I knew he wouldn’t cry in front of me, but his trembling bottom lip told it all. “Call me!” I called after the car.
Maybe Jade was right. This summer was exactly what I needed to release and learn myself again without the weight of being a parent. Zion was in good hands, so I was going to take this time and be intentional about rediscovering myself, but for now, I was about to go curl up and cry.
I’d orderedthis black lace dress for a celebration Solomon and I never got to attend, but tonight felt like the perfect time to put it on. The backless dress fit me like a second skin. I appreciated the low hanging dip in the front that was deep enough to tease but protective enough to hide the evidence of motherhood.
There was a difference in looking in the mirror and saying I look good enough versus saying I look good and feeling it. It felt like years had passed since I looked in the mirror and admired the person who was staring back at me. My confidence wasn’t measured by the world; it was determined by how I felt internally. If I wasn’t in love with myself, then I couldn’t expect the world or anyone else to be either.
