Page 89 of Sinful as They Come
“I never wanted it to be there. Not at the start, at least. Not when I firstsaw you that day in class…”
She winced. “You remember that?”
“Vividly,” I said with a little snort. “Fuckin’ Carter, huh?”
“I’m sorry. I never should have… I was the new girl, and I didn’t… I reacted badly. Really badly. I should have stood my own ground. I should have told you what I wanted to tell you: that I didn’t care what you could or couldn’t afford,” she whispered. “None of that meant anything to me. It still doesn’t. I’m not that person.”
I nodded at her words, looking ahead of me as I puffed out some smoke. “You had no issue with him, though. With Carter. You knew what kind of person he was.”
“I guess I got caught up in his popularity,” she said. I sensed what sounded like regret in her voice. “He was nice to me at the start. The most popular guy in school wanted to be friends with me. I fell for that stupid trap. I was too stupid to realize that I should have been pushing someone like him far, far away from me.”
“That’s where it all started, huh? In that classroom. All over a pen,” I said with a little chuckle. “But it was more than that. It was… I know I’m fuckin’ poor. I know I live in a goddamn trailer. I’m reminded of that fact every day I wake up. People have been giving me shit for that my whole life. Including Carter. Every fuckin’ day – even before you showed up. He’s always been an asshole. And when you gave in to him, it felt like another person looking at me and telling me I wasn’t good enough. You could have said something. Not just that day, but every day after that. How many times did you stand by as you watched him call me his favorite nickname?”
Holly bit at her bottom lip. “I guess I was a coward. That was my mistake. But… You always stood up for yourself. Every time. You always made sure to fight back, and I honestly always admired that about you. Even when you were, you know, punching Carter in the face.”
I laughed at the many memories I had of hurting that blond asshole. “Yeah, well, kicking his ass is fun. He’s always been an obnoxious, spoiled prick. We were getting into fights even before you showed up. He liked making my life hell. He didn’t understand that I’ve been sticking upfor myself since I was a kid thanks to my dad.” I cleared my throat at the thought – at the fact that I had to endure my own father beating the shit out of me for as long as I could remember. “That kinda stuff makes you resilient, even if people keep telling you that you aren’t good enough.”
“I’ve never thought that about you, Sawyer,” she whispered. “Ever.”
I turned to face her, looking right into her doe eyes. “But it felt like that. It felt like one more rich asshole looking down on me ‘cause I didn’t get to eat dinner every night, ‘cause my clothes were old, ‘cause I stole fucking pens.”
“Life’s been hard for you. I’m sorry people have ever made you feel like you weren’t good enough just because of where you come from. And I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel that too. You’re more than some stupid, cruel name. I hope you know that. You’re… kind and protective and strong. You say what’s on your mind. You’re probably the most confident person I know.”
“Well, I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut, I guess…”
She took a long, deep breath. Then she shut her eyes for a quick moment before staring back at me. “And even though we’ve been arguing back and forth for nearly a decade, you’ve still been nicer to me than Carter ever was. Especially these last few weeks. You… You have a good heart, Sawyer. And I really like that about you. I just wish I realized sooner. I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt yourself, or feel bad. I’m sorry if I ever judged you. I’m sorry for not seeing the person you really are. I’m sorry for all of my mistakes.”
Holly spoke so softly that I thought I was imagining the words coming out of her pouty lips. But no. There she was in front of me apologizing for what had gone down with us the last nine years. She wasn’t lying to me. It was pure honesty coming from the girl I had spent a good chunk of my life hating.
“I’m sorry too,” I said lowly. “That day… That day we first met… It felt like you were looking me right in the eyes and telling me I wasn’t good enough to even sit next to you. And you started hanging out with that asshole and all the other obnoxious, little pricks around here. You picked everyone who hated me. And I guess that made me hate you. It was so easy. You were so perfect. You’d stand there while me and Carter got into fight after fight, and you’d be looking after him and fixing his cuts and bruises…”
“Carter never really stood a chance with you,” she said with a little smile. “I don’t think he ever won a single fight. And it seems like not much has changed.”
I chuckled lowly for a second, running a hand through my hair. “Either way… I just… I hated how quickly you accepted them instead of accepting me. I hated how everyone looked at you and saw a perfect, little princess. Probably because I saw the same. And I hated how you started dating that asshole even though you knew what he was like.”
“I’m sorry, Sawyer,” she said, voice hushed.
“I’m sorry too,” I told her. It felt good to get the words out. Maybe I had been holding them in the whole time and didn’t even realize. “I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you. You didn’t deserve to see that side of me. The angry side… I guess I showed that side to you every chance I got.”
“We both did. And you sure got creative with some of your nicknames for me. I look nothing like Malibu Barbie, by the way.”
I laughed. “I guess I’ll stop using those, huh? No more calling you princess…”
“Well, that one isn’t too bad.” I could have sworn she blushed as she stared down at the ground.
I raised an eyebrow at her. Did she like it when I called her that? I blew out more smoke, enjoying the pink hue on her cheeks. “That one’s kinda hard to get outta the vocabulary, anyway. Either way, I’m sorry about… all of this.”
“Well, I accept your apology,” she said with a little smile. “And maybe… Maybe things will be different between us. Or when you come back to school, we’ll just pretend like this moment never happened.”
But I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to forget. “Is that what you want?”
She said nothing for a little while before shaking her head. “No. No, I don’t want to forget this… I’m tired of fighting.”
“Me too,” I said quickly, my voice low. She was so close.God, she was right there. Right next to me, her pouty lips oh so near…
The bell suddenly rang, though. Holly jumped a little and I cleared my throat, the both of us taking small steps away from one another.
“I should get back to class,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
